Riddance

I can't believe it's already the end of 2009.

Everyone's saying that, I know, but I really REALLY mean it. It went kinda fast. And now I'm going to copy a bunch of bloggers I read and give you a list of stuff that happened in my life this year. Talk about a freakin' roller coaster.

1. I started the year freshly divorced and dating. And optimistic! Go me!
2. I got laid off from a job I was about to quit anyway.
3. I went to Aruba.
4. I had bone-shortening surgery
5. I broke up with someone. No really! I! Broke up with someone!
6. I went back to lawyering.
7. The man with whom I've had more chemistry than should be possible got married. I cried.
8. I started talking about a romantic future with an old friend.
9. Max came back to live with me.
10. I went to Vegas with girlfriends that I never get to see.
11. Got fired from the lawyering job.
12. My fish died.
13. The romantic future contemplated in #8 crashed and burned.
14. I went back to working in hospitality and actually enjoyed it...
15. I found out the man from #7 was expecting a baby with his wife. I sighed.
16. I went on a few random dates, some with a friend, some with a new acquaintance.
17. I turned 35.
18. I went to my first Denver Broncos game, they won in overtime. It was fun.
19. I chose NCIS and Mark Harmon over naked time with the new acquaintance.
20. I got a new roommate.
21. I started ANOTHER new job. On a mountain.
22. I found a new cocktail.
23. I saw Martina Navratilova and sold a neck warmer to Lynda Carter.
24. While skiing, witnessed a guy crash, called ski patrol, and hung with him til they carted him away. He had the same name as my ex-husband and I didn't even push him off the mountain.
25. I hurt my back NAPPING (yes it is possible).

So that's my year in review. Fewer life-altering events than 2008, thank the good Lord. I'm ready for 2010, looking forward to all the good things that will come my way. I have to decide by tomorrow if I will join a good friend in an experiment in swearing off men for at least part of the year... Taking the time to figure ME out. I know it's a good idea, but I'm afraid I won't stick to it. We'll see. I still have 14 hours to think about it...

Difficult

The hard part in writing about my marriage and divorce is not sharing what my ex-husband did or how he treated me. The hard part is exposing my response. The fact that I continued to allow it. That I did not pack my bags and leave immediately. Or after a month or two. Or year. Or ever, really. I never did leave. I stayed.

Why?

I can't even begin to answer the question that is most often asked. When I finally began to share the truth with my friends and family, none could understand why I had stayed. Why I didn't demand more respect from him. Why I didn't stand up for myself.

I don't know the answer.

I have a few contributing factors to blame. This was my second marriage, and I didn't want to be twice divorced. I sure as all hell did not want to be twice divorced at 32, which is something I repeated over and over (I made it to 34). That had a bigger effect on me than some might guess-- I was really fearful of being that woman. Another, I suppose, was laziness. Damned if I wanted to go out there and have to find someone new. Loneliness, too. Especially after we moved out here to Colorado. At the time, I did have friends, but not really good ones. I was terrified that I would be completely alone. ALONE. Alone, alone, alone. I was like Jerry Maguire. Interestingly, this did not become a problem because when he left I found myself taken in by a new circle of friends that are my family now.

I have a pattern of staying with men that give me less than I desserve, mostly because I'd rather that than being alone. I think I've finally learned my lesson on that one. But we'll see.

Eve

The Christmas Wish
by John Denver

I don't know if you believe in Christmas
Or if you have presents underneath the Christmas tree
But if you believe in love
That will be more than enough
For you to come and celebrate with me

For I have held the precious gift that love brings
Even though I never saw a Christmas star
I know there is a light
I have felt it burn inside
And I have seen it shining from afar

Christmas is a time to come together
A time to put all differences aside
And I reach out my hand
To the family of man
To share the joy I feel at Christmastime

For the truth that binds us all together
I would like to say a simple prayer
That at this precious time
You will have true peace of mind
And love to last throughout the coming year

And if you believe in love
That will be enough
For peace to last throughout the coming year

And peace on Earth will last thoughout the year...

Treading

Life feels like I'm treading water lately. I know, I blog about this a lot. But I have yet to get myself figured out and I do that here.

I'm waiting, always waiting, for something to happen. Right now I'm waiting to find out whether Plan A(which I haven't told you about yet, but I will, probably) will come to fruition. If not, what will I do then? What's Plan B? Will I commit to a life here, being a former lawyer forever? Will the life I have here ever feel like reality? If I leave, will I ever be as comfortable as I am here? This place, that for unknown reasons, has made itself home to me... I'll never understand why. It's completely unlike Memphis, the home I grew up in, the home I loved, and yet I am completely home here.

I think the situation is this: if I'm going to work a crappy paying job, not have any money, and live paycheck to paycheck, I want to do it here. Here, I have other things that make my soul happy. Like my daily gondola ride, the fifteen minutes of peace and beauty. It sounds cheesy, but every day I am amazed at what I get to see as the sun comes up over the mountains onto the snow. The communal acceptance (especially in the company I work for now)-- nobody cares who you were in your "previous life," in the "real world." Or cares that you're running away from it. Or that you have no clue who you are. Come figure it out with us. Nobody's judgmental. Everybody goes with the flow and you're welcome to ride along.

On the other hand, I could do it nearer my family, and that would make me happy too. But there's something about being here, where nobody cares that I used to have a real job, and doesn't bug me about why I don't anymore.

Or I could move near my family and try to get back into lawyering. I just don't think it'll be easy at this point, particularly given the economy and the state of the legal job market (it ain't good, in case you didn't know).

But. I don't like the waiting feeling. I want to live life, not wait for it. I want to make a decision, make a goal, and go after it. If it's not Plan A, then time to formulate Plan B.

And as soon as I find out whether Plan A is happening, I'll do just that.

Aftermath

This post is an entry in The Great Experiment. If you're so inclined, please visit The Girl Who to place your vote by leaving a comment there. You can vote til Saturday and you may vote ONCE per computer. Thanks!

Continued from this entry...

And there you are on your knees

Begging for forgiveness, begging for me

Just like I always wanted

But I'm so sorry...

I'm not a princess.

This ain't a fairy tale.

I'm gonna find someone someday

Who might actually treat me well...

--Taylor Swift, "White Horse"

So it was over.

After nineteen months of refusing to give up and walk away, he had done it for me. I had held on by the tips of my fingertips for so long... my immediate reaction was relief.

And then anger.

P, because she is a good friend, immediately took over. She took me to her apartment, dressed me up in a boob shirt, and took me to Aspen to shake my booty. We were hanging out with a bunch of guys from the golf club where we worked, and they, being caddies, were flush with the cash heaped upon them by rich golfers. We drank, we danced...

And then there was the desperation.

What was I doing? I don't know how to do this! I snuck away to find a quiet corner to call my husband. He, of course, was at her house. But he wasn't sure he had done the right thing. He wanted to come home.

"Come get me," I said. "We'll talk about it."

But no. He was mad at me for being out (and not sitting at home, crying and waiting, I suppose). And something in that attitude finally (FINALLY!) flipped a switch in my brain. And I realized... that I most certainly DO know how to do this.

And I did. I knew how to dance, and flirt, and accept drinks from cute guys. I also apparently remembered how to make out in a back seat. And the front seat. Of my husband's truck (note to ex-husband if he's reading: I actually had sex in your truck four times before I gave it back to you. You're welcome for that piece of information).

A week later, he came to the house that had been ours to help me complete my move out. He had on his sad face. He boxed and cleaned and looked at me with hangdog eyes. He begged. He said he was wrong. He wanted me back. There was nothing he wouldn't do to get me back. I should give him another chance. I started to feel bad. I wasn't giving in, but I did feel sorry for him.

And then, while taking a load to the car, I saw her. Sitting in the truck. Waiting for him. He had brought her along, and she was outside waiting for him while he groveled for forgiveness.

I laughed. Out loud. He was unbelievable.

But there were more conversations. He continued asking for more chances. He left presents, one a week, on my doorstep (which creeped out my roommate to no end). He called. We met for lunch and he cried. He made promises. And when I told him I'd consider it if he'd 1) move out of her house (hello!) and 2) get counseling, I knew that neither would happen.

And it didn't.

Tip

Even though root beer with vanilla vodka is downright delicious, you should not drink too much too fast, especially if you are not used to drinking liquor. It's possible that you may get very drunk and act like an idiot.

Trust me.

Stolen

Stolen from Sunday Stealing.

Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Only b/c he is very far away.

When is it hard to kiss someone?
I don't know, when they're yucky?

You're trapped in a room with your most recent ex for three days, what do you do?
Define "ex." If ex = last person I kissed, then fun would be had. If ex = last official boyfriend, it would be a bit awkward, but we'd be fine after a little while. If ex = last almost boyfriend, we'd fight. I'm pissed at him. If ex = former husband? Oh Lord.

Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes?
Yes, I don't like smoking. Although both the last person I kissed and the last almost boyfriend smoke. Interesting.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
No. Not in the long run.

Where would you go if you were butt naked and locked out of your house?
My neighbor Linda's. I'm wondering at this point why I'm outside while butt naked though.

Do you want to please everyone?
Yep. Although, I'm not as bad about this as I once was.

Have you ever been called heartless?
Not that I know of.

Someone calls you at 3:00 AM, who do you expect it to be?
Pebbles.

Does it matter if your significant other drinks?
Only the amount/frequency.

Could you go the rest of your life without doing drugs?
Quite easily.

Which is better, amazing eyes or an amazing smile?
Smile.

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
I don't even know.

Are you easy to get along with?
Pretty much.

Do you ever want to go to sleep and not wake up?
No.

Are you shorter than your Mom?
I've been taller than my mother since sixth grade.

Describe your life currently in one word:
Limbo-ish

Are you on medication for anything?
Yes.

Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day?
I'm not sure I'd let anyone, actually. If I HAD to, it'd be P, she knows most everything anyway.

Are there things in your life that you will never be able to get over?
I think so.

If you woke up naked next to the last person you kissed, what would your reaction be?
I'd be sad I couldn't remember the circumstances of getting naked.

Beginning

My memory is cruel

I'm queen of attention to details

Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name

It sounded familiar in a way

I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times

If only I had been listening

-Sara Bareilles, "Between the Lines"

It all started with a text message.

It was October. I was standing next to him while he was looking at his phone, and saw a text that said "I miss you." I wasn't snooping- had no reason to. Just happened to be there. I asked him about it, and he said some of the women he worked with were out that night, and they were just messing with him. What a horrible cover. Anyway, I took that story for the truth for the moment, but the hairs on the back of neck sure didn't believe it. They were standing at attention from that moment forward.

Things weren't even weird between us at the time. Everything seemed perfectly normal to me. We were still sleeping in the same bed (and would be, throughout the forthcoming year-and-a-half long debacle, until just before it was over). We were still laughing and cuddling and talking. I had no reason to suspect otherwise, or to doubt his lie. But those hairs on the back of my neck? They were smarter than I.

The next few weeks passed without incident, relationship-wise. I lost my job, he was very supportive and sweet about it. You can read about those fun times in my posts from November 2006. But then.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and he went for a run. This was entirely normal, we lived across the street from a major Memphis park and he ran there almost every day. I would later learn that a lot more than running was going down in Overton Park, but whatever. Anyway. That day, he was gone for a really long time. He didn't have his phone with him, and I was worried that he had gotten hurt on a trail inside the park and couldn't call for help.

Well, that's what I say I was thinking. And that's what I was consciously thinking. But those hairs on the back of my neck? They were thinking something else.

And something else is exactly what I found when I went to the park to look for him, and saw him kiss her goodbye.

I immediately knew who the woman was. When he had started his job three months before, he told me about the people he worked with, and one woman who told him a story about how she fooled around with a girl once. Come on. I told him that day, there's only one reason a straight woman tells a straight man a story like that. Whether it's true or not, the telling of that story has one purpose and one purpose alone. I told him to be careful with her. He said they were just friends, she was married. He had told her about my blog, she thought I was funny. Her friends read it too. I knew exactly who she was even though I'd never seen her before. And I was right.

He said he had ended it, that's why he was at the park. He said they had only kissed. He said it was over. He said he wouldn't see her again (except every day at work, where he was her boss, of course). Every bit of it? A lie.

And that was only the beginning.

Shopping

What we have here is a fun list of fun presents that all cost less than $25.

Just thought I'd share that. Don't be surprised if you receive one of said gifts from me, because many of them are totally cute.

Let it also be said that I am seriously broke, so perhaps you SHOULD be surprised if you receive one of said gifts... do not be shocked, however, if you do receive a gift from me, if it has the Aspen/Snowmass logo, because I get a honkin' discount. ;)

It sucks being poor at Christmas, so I'm looking for extra money. If anybody needs a will drafted, or a research paper edited, or food taste-tested, or television show summarized, or if there's a nap relay I can enter, these things I can do. :)

Catharsis

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and votes on my previous entry. Based on the response, as well as the way I felt after writing it, I'm considering writing a series of posts to finish the story. Well, really, to start it, since that was the end.

Of course, I'll have to come up with an appropriate title... Crystal has The Crazy Chronicles, Pioneer Woman has Black Heels to Tractor Wheels, The Girl Who has Mormon to Married in Manhattan...

Although the title of this blog itself kinda covers it...

Ending

And I don't know,
This could break my heart or save me.
Nothing's real
until you let go completely...

And I don't know,
I could crash and burn, but maybe
At the end of this road
I might catch a glimpse of me...

Kelly Clarkson, "Sober"

I'm pulling out of the driveway on a Saturday morning, on my way to work, when my husband sticks his head out of the front door. He hollers for me to take his truck to work that day, as he wants to take mine to get a much-needed oil change. That's nice of him, I think. Considering.

For the past few days we have been trying to work out a time to Talk. I was unexpectedly called into work last night and we'd had to reschedule for tonight. I dread it. Our "talks" to date have been less than satisfying, always ending when neither of us can pull the trigger and say it's over. It's been a year and a half of aruging about it... and then pretending everything would be fine, him telling me he'd end it with her, me pretending to believe him. Our marriage has been a disaster, but something-- fear, insecurity, inertia-- has kept me in it. I don't know why he hasn't left yet, but he's always only said he wants to be with me. He's never once said he wants to leave me. Never once said he wants to be with her. Why should he, really. He's having his cake and eating her too.

Ahem.

After my shift ends I'm heading back home. Tired. Nervous. Wondering if I, if either of us, will have the guts to say what we both know needs to be said. We've run this thing, this marriage, into the ground and there's no saving it now. It's too late to quit while we're ahead, but at least we can quit while we're still breathing. At the same time... I don't know how to end it. Not only do I not know how to tell him it's over, I don't know how to tell my family and friends that I've been lying to them for so long every time I didn't say how things really were. I especially don't know how to walk away after I've put up with so much for so long... I feel it's like staying in a fight til the tenth round only to give up.

When I round the corner and the house is in sight, I see that my truck is not in the driveway. "Bastard." I mumble. "He's at the gym or something." Or more likely, he's with her... either way, it's not the plan.

I push my way through the door to the greetings of the dog. But something is weird. Something is off. Something is definitely not right.

I immediately notice the absence of the painting that faces the front door. I glance to my right and two chairs and a small table are missing. As I look around, I realize that at least half of our belongings are gone. In the time it took me to work one eight-hour shift, he has packed half of our house AND moved it out without a trace.

I look, but I don't find a note.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! No Talk. Nothing. No fight. No yelling, screaming, cussing. Just emptiness.

I wander around the house, noticing which things he's taken. I leave him a voice mail (he doesn't answer his phone, the chicken shit) listing the things that he needs to return. The Christmas movies and Grey's Anatomy DVDs. My Pampered Chef cookware I owned before our marriage. The dressing table my step-father built for me. Anything else I think I have to right to bitch about (it's only later, at bedtime, I realize he has taken the only tube of toothpaste).

Few tears come. Mostly I feel incredible relief. The long charade is over. The lies can stop. The fear I had that I wouldn't be strong enough to walk away is eased; he has saved me the trouble.

I kiss the dog and get back into his truck (which has significantly higher payments and will later be traded back for my own when he is feeling guilty) and drive back to the club where I work. I walk in the door to the surprise of my friend who has the evening shift.

"Why are you back?" she asks.

And that is the first time I say it. The first time I acknowledge it the words that have been floating close to the surface since I walked in my front door. The first time I put out there in reality the true factual state of my marriage. Most importantly, it's the first time I realize that I am grateful for the truth of the words.

"My husband. He left me."


[This post is an entry in a contest... Meander over here for details and to vote! Only one vote per IP address, please and thank you.]

Fresh

Let me know what you think of the new winter template. I'm a little bit in love with it. I picked it up (for free, awesome) over at Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates. She has several free ones and also some for $5, the money goes to help with their adoption, so if you're looking for something new check it out.

A side note: my almost-former job is at the base of a mountain (like, I can see the ski lift from where I type this) and they've been making snow there. It's really odd to look out the back windows and see tons of snow, while in the front there's very little. It's just confusing to my brain.

Blocked

I'm not participating in NaBloPoMo, but I did decide I would try to blog with more regularity. I think I've said that before. But then I get here, and I want to write something... but I don't know what. So I'll just do a little quick update thing. Sorry I'm not all that entertaining... I'm workin on it.

I could update you on the guy... the one over whom I chose Mark Harmon and couch time. He emails me. A lot. Even though I don't respond. I think it's a good idea I didn't see him, it could only have been worse. He's tapering off his contact though, I think he'll get the picture soon. One would hope.

I have a new roommate. We'll call him... Todd. Todd is Pebbles' boyfriend. It's the first time I've lived with a man to whom I wasn't married. It's weird b/c I'm accustomed to wandering around naked-ish. And I haven't bothered to close my bedroom door when I change clothes in a while. So it's new. Other than that, it's going swimmingly. He's been cooking, taking out the trash, and doing more than his fair share of dog duty. Of course, now he's started his winter job, so I'm sure I won't be able to slack off in that area for that much longer. Plus, he likes a lot of the same TV shows that I do (including NCIS, score!) and buys beer on occasion. He'll be working on a different mountain than I, so he's going to keep his eyes open for guys for to not date. :) What more could I ask for?

Tiger basketball has begun. And last night we only lost by 2 to the number 1 ranked Kansas. We are unranked. And unexpected. And I'm excited about the prospects for a new team with a new coach.

That sums things up for today... I appreciate your patience while I get back into the swing of regular blogging!

Validation

Today I walked in to enjoy one of my last days at my current job before moving on, and was met with some news. There was a new development here. They've been looking for a new Manager, and they'd found one. He started yesterday. And I know him.

And now I am more sure than ever that the decision to leave was the right one.

Here's to new beginnings!

Neglect

How have we managed to get to almost Thanksgiving without me discussing TELEVISION???

Good gravy, folks. This is highly unusual.

I guess though I haven't adopted that many new shows this season, and if anything I've been paring down on regular TV. As you may have noticed (ahem) I have (re) discovered NCIS. Repeats air on ION, USA, and Sleuth. So I'm always a-watchin' NCIS. In fact, I'm renting season 3 from Netflix. I do love Mark Harmon. Always have. I'm also catching up with Criminal Minds, a show I've always liked. As you can tell, I do love a detective show. I'm also a fan of the real detective shows like 48 Hours, Dateline Mystery, etc.

As for "real" TV, I still watch Grey's Anatomy faithfully. And Brothers & Sisters. And Private Practice, Biggest Loser, So You Think You Can Dance, CSI, Mentalist, Lie to Me... But the best and favorite of all is...

GLEE.



Love it.

I love Sue Sylvester. Wanted to be her for Halloween but I couldn't find a short blonde wig.

Every week it makes me wish that I was back in high school. At a school with a glee club. Like that one.

Actually I more wish for a grown up glee club that I could join. Immediately.

I love this show.

Gypsy

Guess what?

New job time!

For multiple reasons, I have decided to leave my current job for a new one. I will be spending every day working on one of our mountains, running a little ski shop. I'm excited. I'll be working for the strongest company in this area, and that's comforting given the upheaval that's been happening here. I'll also not have to work nights. And there's no beating the scenery from the top of the mountain. It's more responsibility than my current job, which makes me more invested in it. And yada yada yada... did I mention the view?

I figure that if at some point in the next year I decide it's time to abandon fantasy world and move back to reality, I should, in the meantime, make the most of my location.

Plus, you never know. Maybe it'll be the perfect job for me. Might as well keep hunting for it.

Wow

So a few days ago I had a thought. I was thinking about where I am in my life, where I've been, where I'm going, blah blah blah. And I realized. Three short years ago, I was working as an attorney. I owned my house. And I was married to a man I thought was good and true (all that came crashing down on November 12, 2006; so I still had two days of ignorance). I never would have guessed that all three things would be gone now.

I also would never have guessed it would be the house I missed the most.

edited to add: I was technically unemployed three years ago today (by a few days), but did find a job lawyering, so technically I still considered myself an attorney. To clarify.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Dilemma

Okay.

So, I'm still not looking for a boyfriend. But...

There's a guy that I went out with a couple times in September. And he keeps asking me out. We've discussed the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship. He's not really either. and he's funny and I'd probably have an okay time. So I could go out, get some free dinner, a few adult beverages, and naked time. Pebbles and her boyfriend will be out of town, so I'll have the apartment to myself.

But would I rather stay home on my couch with the dogs and watch NCIS? Possibly.

Naked time vs. Mark Harmon.

It's a tough decision.

Identity

I'm wondering...

Should I keep blogging anonymously? The very few readers I still have at this point all know my real name anyway. I'm feeling split--I comment on blogs as Sadie, so I can link here. I twitter with my real name. I blog as Sadie. I'm on Facebook with my real name. I just joined Dooce's community website as Sadie, but then was torn about it because I didn't know whether to use my real name and link my account there to Twitter, or link it to this blog and call myself Sadie.

Sadie does have a Twitter account. But she doesn't use it.

I'm tempted to just go with my real name, but one of the purposes of Sadie in the first place was to prevent being found by people that I didn't want to know about this blog. And that could still come in handy.

Sigh. Indecisive.

Rededication

I have failed, and miserably so, at the exercise and organize self-challenge.

I did a good job for a while with keeping neat what I had already organized, but now even that has fallen apart. My bedroom is now causing me anxiety every time I walk into it. I have GOT to get it under control in the next few days or I may go more than a little bit crazy. I did the seasonal clothes swap-out, and ended up not getting everything where it belonged, so I still have a box of winter clothes that needs to be put away, along with the clothes I've worn for the past week or so getting piled on top of that box rather than hung in the closet. I'm a slacker.

And exercise? Just no. Not even. I was doing pretty well for a while but there's no use even pretending anymore. I've GOT to get back in the habit, I am so miserably out of shape.

I'm not giving up though. I felt sooo much better with an organized space, if I can get it back under control I'll work harder at keeping it that way. And I've got less than 2 months to ski season, if I'm going to be able to do any good at all I'd better get into a little bit better shape.

So, here we go again. Starting today. At least I'm gonna try...

Meme

Found on The Ice Box...

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Coke. Nauseated today, trying to fend it off with bubbles and high fructose corn syrup.

2. Where was your profile picture taken? My blogger profile picture? I have no clue. I found it on the interwebs.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero? I have never tried, and therefore I guess that no, I can't.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today. What was it about? I laughed this morning at a co-worker who is a certified conspiracy theorist. We talk politics a lot. It's always amusing.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why? I was in bed at 9:45pm, asleep around 10:30, I'd guess. My alarm goes off at 6am.

6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why? The beach.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Yeah.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Pebbles' bedroom is on the other side of the living room.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? With benefits? Yes, and I don't know, that would be tough and depend on both people really wanting ONLY that.

10. Do you like Dr. Pepper? Eh.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I vaguely remember crying really hard sometime recently and for the life of me can't remember why. Must've been off my meds. ;)

12. Who took your profile picture? See #2.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? I'm not sure. Probably Pebbles.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Why? No. Yesterday I was off work. Today I am not.

15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes, absolutely. I've done it recently between cable and satellite. I had enough though.

16. Are you upset about anything now? Not upset. A little bummed, but I'm cool.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Yup.

18. Are you a bad influence? I used to be. Don't think I still am.

19. Night out or night in? Night in. Almost always.

20. What items could you not go without during the day? iPhone. Burt's Bees lip balm. Sunglasses if I have to go outside. That's it.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My cousin. He was in a horrible accident.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "I'm sorry I'm a lazy bum" from Pebbles. We planned to carpool this morning but she didn't feel like getting up as early as I have to. Can't blame her.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? You know, financially things could be a lot better. But otherwise, I can't complain.

24. Do you hate anyone? Not really.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? Old messages all read.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Yep.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Not that I can think of.

28. What song is stuck in your head? Right now, actually there's not one. Which is highly unusual.

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2 a.m., whom do you want it to be? Santa (stolen from Songbird b/c that is an awesome answer)

30. Do you (or did you) want to have grandkids before you’re 50? Lord no. I'm 35 and childless.

31. Tell us your Saturday night. I worked Saturday night.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Hmmm. I dunno. Depends on the topic of thought, I'd say.

33. Do you smile a lot? Yes, it's my job.

Decade

I've written a little about my lack of interest in dating lately, but I realized today that I have not been single in over ten years. I understand that is not a long time necessarily, but for me it just feels... like eternity. When I was last single, I was 24 years old. Just graduated college, starting law school. Not really an adult (am I now?). It's no wonder I don't know who the hell I am. It's interesting for me, given my recent realization that for the first time EVER (seriously, ever) I'm not looking for a boyfriend. It's not that I made a conscious decision to not date anyone, I just came to the realization that I don't want to. This is seriously a major milestone for me, and that may sound silly.

I'm not that girl that always had a boyfriend, at all. But I was that girl that always WANTED a boyfriend. I can't remember a time that I wasn't daydreaming about a guy. A specific guy, a famous guy, an imaginary guy that I just knew I would meet soon, there had to be a guy. Lately, I can't even imagine having a boyfriend. I'm not thinking about anyone. I'm not imagining meeting someone. I'm not daydreaming about finding someone.

It's WEIRD. And it's GREAT. I feel more powerful than ever, because for once I have the power-- I'm not handing it over to any man that comes along. I also feel more attractive than ever, because instead of thinking about getting a guy to notice me, I'm realizing that they do. It is so liberating to not worry about whether I'm going to get a date. Who cares? Not me. Not anymore.

I know I'll change my mind on this. One day I'll meet somebody that will make me reconsider my "no relationship" position. Or I'll realize one day that I am in fact ready, just as I have now realized I'm not. And that will be a good day too. But for now, only needing myself, my friends, and my family, I feel so much stronger and healthier and happier than I ever have.

Divorce can be a good thing when it allows you to realize that you're not defined by someone else. Especially when the someone else is a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole.

Did I say that out loud? ;)

Birthday

So, today's my birthday. And just for fun, I was re-reading the first birthday post I ever did, back in 2006, 100 Things About Me. I've edited it along the way since then, removing references to my ex-husband. Now I kinda wish I didn't. It was who I was on that day, and now that picture of me at that time is gone. Many of the other things are different now, as well, as time does march on. So maybe I should do a new list to update some things. I'll stop at ten, cause I don't have time to get to 100 before my birthday is over. Maybe I'll work on adding to this list over the next few days.

1. I no longer own cars named Bruiser and Harriet. Now I am the proud owner of Charlie, a Honda CR-V.
2. I still like the way Merlin smells. Dobby smells different. Not bad, certainly, just doesn't have that same scent.
3. I've discovered that I don't mind being barefoot anymore. I think it has to do with the difference in hardwoods and carpet.
4. I'm still non-confrontational, but I'm definitely getting better at standing up for myself, and I'm FAR better at walking away and not giving a damn.
5. Haven't been much into Hot Tamales in a while. I have discovered actual tamales made by a Mexican lady at my work are HEAVEN.
6. I have a new-found love of tacos. Like at home, Ole El Paso tacos. I've always LIKED them, but recently have come to know true love.
7. I really did like Memphis. Still do. I miss it. But I truly don't feel an urge to move back.
8. I am madly in love with Colorado.
9. I still would like to learn about photography. I have checked out a few books from the library and am reading websites to learn how to use the camera I already have (aside from just "auto") and someday I hope to have a nice DSLR.
10. I don't have to watch TV before bed anymore. I had no cable in the bedroom for a while, and I was reading NEWSWEEK every night before bed, and that worked. But I do have to read or listen to something that will distract me from my own brain.

Accountability

Well. In the past week since I made my vow of daily exercise and daily decluttering I have not done so well.

I exercised: Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sun, Tues. 5 out of 8. Not awful, but not great.

Decluttering? Did it ONCE. Sigh.

I did have two dates with a really nice guy, though that is unrelated entirely. ;)

Zen

This is totally my new favorite website. I have spent the past few weeks poring over page after page.

It's been helping me with simplifying, decluttering my apartment, thinking more positively, and exercise.

Now I can actually walk into my walk-in closet, and I can see and reach all my clothes. With the help of my roommate, my living room finally looks like a living room and not a storage room. I'm trying to adopt a minimalist attitude about things, which coordinates nicely with my minimal funds. I love the lack of clutter that I'm starting to see in my apartment, it makes a huge difference.

And today I start a 30 day challenge for myself to exercise every day. Just a little, even to just walk Max around the block, I'm going to do SOMETHING every single day.

I'm also spending a few minutes (like ten) every day organizing a small section of my apartment, which keeps me from being overwhelmed by a large project.

This is where to start with the website if you're interested.

So...

Not much is happening. And this post may be all over the place, my brain is jumping around.

I actually like my job, though the pay is really really low. I'm going to start writing wills on the side for extry money. Anybody need one? Also might get a part time job in the winter for extra money and hopefully a ski pass.

I've been thinking a lot about things. About the place I live, and what it is about it that has sucked me in and seduced me so much. And no, I haven't figured out what it is. One thing I've been thinking lately is it's not so much about getting to the future here. It's just about living right now. And while this is concept I have a lot of trouble with, I'm fascinated by it. I like it. And I'm trying to adopt it... but I'm also tugged by thoughts about how long I can keep up this lifestyle, etc. And of course there's a difference in being present in the moment and ignoring the need to plan for the future. I've got some thoughts about what I may do, but I'm not ready to publicly share them yet.

The mornings here are already chilly. Below 40 for overnight lows. Crisp fall air is sneaking in, and I love it. Many people around here are sad to see summer go, but fall is my favorite. Can't wait to wear tights and boots and sweaters and scarves, and watch football games. I was standing outside last night, listening to the aspen leaves rattle. They make such a different sound from other leaves. It's because they have flat stems or some such thing. But anyway... I just love the way that sounds. And the stars, with the twinkling. And they shoot across the sky all the time. I don't think I'd ever seen a shooting star before I came here.

It feels funny to fawn over the nature. I don't bike or really hike (I've done ONE this summer) and I'm not outdoorsy at all. But I've never in my life just enjoyed being outside. Don't get me wrong, I'm still the couch potato you've come to know. I spend more time inside than out. But I do like being outside here. Of course, the low humidity helps a lot.

Speaking of low humidity, I recently found this in-shower lotion (not body wash, it's actual LOTION) and I love it so far. Thought I'd share for you readers in dry locations.

Thanks for all the responses to my last post. It was interesting to read what everybody thought. I don't regret the way I handled things then, because I believe that whether I shared or not I was going to end up divorced, so it doesn't make that much difference. Calling people out and getting ugly wouldn't have helped. And I might share a thing or two along the way, I'm still dealing with it all, sorting out my feelings, and figuring out how to make myself stronger.

I'm trying to talk to the Universe, manifest the life I want, appreciate the life I have... and I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am happy, really, which may seem strange given the circumstances of my recent past. I have a great roommate who is a great friend, pets that I love, good friends, a loving healthy family, a roof over my head and food in my belly. For the first time I can remember (really) I'm not daydreaming about finding a man. While I'd love to get paid more at my job (and who wouldn't?) I like my life. And that's the best thing ever, isn't it.

Interesting Inspiration

So. This morning I read this post on one of my favorite blogs, Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper.

And it made me wonder. Not that my situation and Crystal's are the same, they are quite different... but it was similar enough to make me think... Back when my life was a ruckus... when my (now ex) husband was having an affair... should I have posted about it?

I'll tell you why I didn't... My mother and sister read my blog, and I didn't want them to know what was going on (I didn't want them to hate him, in case he and I worked it out). Also, I knew that my husband's girlfriend and her friends read this blog, and I didn't want to feed them any information. About my marriage, my life, my self. I got a few mean nasty comments from them on unrelated posts, so I figured that anything I wrote about the affair wouldn't have been taken well. And the last thing I needed at the time was to be attacked. I found myself writing posts with the intent of showing that they weren't getting to me. That's why I started a "secret" blog at one point... to try to maintain my ability to truthfully blog. But along the way I lost the love of blogging... it had just become tainted.

Later I wished I had told the truth... maybe if the girlfriend and I had shared information, even if only by her reading my blog, he would have gotten away with less bullshit along the way. Maybe not, but maybe I would have felt more like a strong woman instead of an emotionally abused victim.

By the way... VERY few people knew what was happening with me. I did not tell my family, or even my VERY BEST FRIEND (who was also getting "weird" comments and had no idea why). So the only people that really knew were HER friends. I told a few people on an message board I visited every day, and one work friend, and it probably saved my sanity. Now, of course, everybody knows. Many people are still flummoxed about why I stayed so long, why I put up with so much. And I don't have a good answer for that. Or much of an answer at all.

I'm not going to get into details about it now. It's all past... She and I have forged a relationship of a sort. She has apologized to me, and I told her that what happened wasn't okay, would never be okay, but I accepted her apology. But I did want to talk about what I was feeling TODAY. I'm going to try to get back into that habit. Blogging was so much fun, and I want it to be again.

Meme

Borrowed from Desert Songbird:

 

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you lay in a bed with? Chad

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat? a Nepalese place

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Gosh, it has been a while. I had beer on Fourth of July.

4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips? To do what?

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law? Law-- but the law school kind, not the real-life kind.

6. Best kind of pizza? Pepperoni and artichoke hearts. For some reason.

7. What is in store for your future? If only I knew.

8. Who was the last band you saw live? Marc Broussard's.

9. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick? I would.

10. How many songs are on your iPod? 545

11. Where is the last place you drove to? work

12. Where did your last kiss take place? I kissed Max this morning in the kitchen.

13. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night? Sleeping.

14. Are you a quitter? Depends on the situation, but generally I'm a hang-in-despite-the-obvious-need-to-quit person.

15. Who was the last person you had in your house? The last person I "had?" I'm going to assume you mean the last guest I had at my house, and that was Miss Kate Korn.

15. What do you think about people who party a lot? Good for them.

16. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Rarely. I can talk about sex with anyone except my sister or my mother. And with them I can discuss sex in general.

17. What was the last CD you purchased? The last CD I downloaded in full was Daughtry's "Leave this Town."

18. What are two bands or singers that you will always love? Good question... Hmmm. I dunno.

19. Which of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of? All of them, I'm sure. Sloth being my favorite.

20. How is your last ex doing? Ex as in someone I dated or someone I married? The last ex I married is back in Memphis (look out, ladies) but I don't know how he is. The last ex I dated is, as far as I can tell from FB, fine.

Life goes on...

So I'm doing ok.

I took a job back in the hospitality world. It's not bad, actually, but it doesn't pay enough. I'm realizing it might be time to say goodbye to this beautiful place I live. It comes down to a decision... do I want to work two jobs to be able to just pay my bills? No, I don't... If I had no debt I'd be fine. But as you know, that is not my situation. I have debt. Significantly. And I'm tired of it.

It's hard to imagine leaving, and it makes me sad to think about it. I can't really quantify what it is that makes me love it here so much. I have great friends, but I have great friends (and fam) in Memphis and Nashville and Charlotte too. It is beautiful. Every day I think about how beautiful it is. I haven't gotten used to it yet. I love that outside my backdoor I can see snow-capped mountains. I love that it snows on Christmas. I love that it snows all winter! I love that the high temperatures right now (in JULY!!) are in the 80s. I love that there's low humidity. I love that the skies are bluer here than anywhere I've ever seen. I love that the stars twinkle-- I'd never seen actual twinkling stars before. And so many stars! More than I saw (even in the country) in Tennessee. I even love that there are bears at the door of this hotel at night. I love that most people I know here are from somewhere else-- they have all chosen to be here for various reasons, and they all love it too. Many are like me- had a "real job" out in "the world." Cause this isn't the real world. It's not all fun and games, obviously. We work. Lots of people work more than one job. But here, most people's job is a means to an end. It's secondary; it's not their identity (this excludes ski instructors, rafting guides, etc).

What don't I love about it? I don't love that my half of the rent for our apartment is more than the entire rent for a very similar apartment I had in Chattanooga only 5 years ago. I don't love that gas for my car costs $3/gallon. I don't love that the only affordable shopping is 30 minutes away, and that's Target or the Gap (the Gap not really affordable for me at the moment). Old Navy is 2 hours away. A real mall is further. Although, that's probably better for my wallet.

This is why I have to consider leaving. For purely financial reasons. It is time for me to decide whether I can continue to live in this non-real world. Whether living paycheck to paycheck and barely making a dent in my debt is worth the fantasy. It seems like an easy decision on the surface-- no way, financial security is more important. But once I dig deeper, it's not so easy. Would I be happy in the real world? What's more important: financial peace or the peace of the mountains? Is there truly any "real" job that will make me happy enough to balance the loss I will feel from leaving here? Is there a way to find the financial peace here, so I can have it all? Would I lose what I love about the place if I was working the at least two jobs it would take to do so?

Grrr. So many questions... and I have no answers.

For the moment, here's my plan: I'm looking. I'm looking for jobs in Denver, Memphis, Nashville, and Charlotte. If I find one, I'll make a decision. There is one job in Nashville that I think would actually be a perfect fit for me, if I'm offered that position it will be easy... In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my time here and try to find a way to make it work.

I hate that I'm always a mess. I'm always up in the air. My life has been such a disaster for such a long time, and just when I thought I was getting my shit together it fell apart again. I know that in all likelihood, it's for the best. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm starting to think that my lack of continuity here means I'm not supposed to stay... But I do think I'm in need of this t-shirt.

Down

Sigh.

Can you see down here? Waving to you? No, down HERE... in the dumps.

Let's see... what's been happening in my life.

Max came to live with me, which was a very happy occasion.

I went to Las Vegas for the first time! Had a girls' weekend with some friends I hadn't seen in two years... I had such a good time. I laughed and laughed all weekend... til my face and my sides ached. I didn't gamble a penny, but I ate GREAT food. We sang and talked and giggled and danced. It was really an amazing time.

The next Monday when I returned to the office, I was let go. So much for a return to lawyering. I was stunned, but didn't have much time to really think about it because the next day I was having a houseguest arrive from Tennessee.

The houseguest was an old, old friend of mine from college. We dated then, and never really had an angry breakup or anything. Over the years we'd stayed in touch, but never were single at the same time and we never tried to take things further. Until now. We started talking, and decided we'd give this thing a shot... The loss of my job threw a bit of a curve into the plan for a care-free week, but we still had a relaxing visit. But... we're not so much giving it a shot anymore. And that's another story that may or may not see another day.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing. In any area of my life. I got offered a hospitality job, but it doesn't pay enough for me to do much more than survive, given my rather large debt payments. I love this place I live... but I don't know how I can possibility afford to stay here. On the other hand, it's not like a job is easy to find anywhere else.

I have a lease here, and a roommate whom I do not wish to abandon or screw over. I have a law degree not being put to use. I have a pile of debt that makes me sick. I'm never going to make a dent in it if I don't find a job that pays better than I'll likely find here. I want to get my shit together, pay off my debt, and try to put a personal life together one of these days. Denver would be my preference right now... I am contacting some firms and recruiters there in an attempt to find something, though no one is very optimistic.

Again I am faced with trying to figure out what I want. And I just don't know. I don't. If anybody else out there has a clue, let me know.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Max is back with me! My ex emailed me and said I could have Max back if I wanted. Yes, I wanted!!! He is the sweetest boy ever and I'm so glad to have him home with me. He is getting along famously with Jaida, and the kitties are not bothered at all by his presence. Our home is a little more crowded now (2 girls, 2 dogs, 2 kitties and a fish), but everyone is happy, especially me.

Blogger's Block. I has it.

So I give you pics of critters instead. Sorry for the phone quality shots....

Merlin. He is big. He is in charge. Questions?

Dobby is the nap champion.

Jaida really wants to know what's out there...

Merlin and Jaida = Buddies.

Dogsitting

This is Jaida, my roommate's dog. We have been spending serious quality time together for the past week, while Pebbles was out of town. The dog is such a stress case, always hyper, as you can see. She wouldn't even rest for a minute. ;)

Television Queen

Looking over my blog this morning I realize I haven't blogged about television in a while. I know you must be dying to know what I'm watching. Right? Right.

So... Right now, it's getting ready to be a bit of a slow period I guess, with everything ending. So I will be looking forward to So You Think You Can Dance, which is always a favorite. The summer is also time for Saving Grace, The Closer, and Leverage... all very good and near the top of my favorites. I am super duper excited for Glee on FOX which starts next Tuesday the 19th. Could not look to be more perfect for me, from what I've seen on the commercials. Can't. Wait.

I'm of course eagerly anticipating Wednesday's LOST season finale, if only so I can have my brain scrambled with no hope of recovery until the new season starts next January. I've only recently started following Dancing with the Stars and I am in mad love with Gilles. American Idol is a staple, of course. I'm cheering for Kris. I think Adam is incredible, but Kris has been overlooked all season and I hope he beats Danny Gokey into the Finale. Grey's Anatomy was good last week, I'm looking forward to that finale, too.

Others I've been watching: Brothers & Sisters, Castle, The Mentalist, Bones, Chuck, and I have the whole 3rd season of Friday Night Lights on my DVR and haven't watched it yet.

Wow, I feel like I've cut back on the TV watching and yet I still watch an awful lot.

Roommates

I told myself I really need to blog. So here I am. I'm sure you'll all (all 3 of you) be thrilled to have an update.

I got moved. Finally. Mostly. I still have some things in my storage unit that I have to get moved to my new place, but everything is out of my old apartment and all that stuff is in to my new apartment. And the new place has more room, actually. I'm lucky that Pebbles does not have any furniture and will tolerate me filling up the place with mine.

The kitties are adjusting well, though Merlin about near killed me when I tried to corral him to put him in the bathroom while the moving guys were there. He was quite displeased. But he pretty much immediately forgave me when he discovered the open window in our new bedroom. He and Pebbles' doggie are getting along well. Dobby does not wish to make friends with said doggie, but he seems to be happy too. We are already in our regular bedtime snuggle routine.

So far life with a roommate has not been much different than having my own place. Pebbles and I were together all the time anyway. We ate dinner together every night (much easier to cook for 2 than 1) and now instead of one of us walking home afterward, we're already there. She doesn't watch much TV so she doesn't care if I hog the remote. She had NEVER watched a single episode of American Idol before (can you believe it?), and now she very kindly has become as addicted as I am, and we make tacos and watch together every week. She doesn't stay up late making noise or get up early making noise. We each have our own bathroom so I don't have to train her to put the toilet lid down, and she doesn't have to deal with my long dark hairs everywhere, and we don't have to wait our turn. I love her dog and she likes my kitties. She cleans the floors, I fold the laundry.

If we were single (she's not), and lesbians (neither of us), I'd totally marry her (if we lived in Iowa).

Hy-drangea!

So here I am, the beginning of week 3 at the new job, and things are moving right along.

Today I got my cast off and was given a removable brace to wear for the next 3 weeks until I go back to visit. This means I can shower without my plastic arm condom, I can scratch my itches, and I can lotion my horribly dry skin. I can also do things that hurt. But I'm supposed to be moving around. My doc is not sending me to physical therapy, but I'm sure he will if I don't do what I'm supposed to do on my own. Which I askeered of because it hurts. But overall it is doing better. This is a picture I took with my iPhone of my x-ray that was taken today.


Cool, huh?

Work is going well... I really like my co-worker. We went for adult beverages last week and she is fun and smart and ballsy. I've noticed this about women I tend to befriend. They have these qualities that I wish I had in higher quantity: assertiveness, courage, confidence. I can list many of my best girlfriends over the years that are very similar to each other in this respect. Especially female lawyers I know and have worked with. I am drawn to them, and I know it's in an attempt to borrow some of their magic. Just a little pattern I've noticed. My therapist would be so proud of me for acknowledging that little need in myself.

I'm moving this weekend. I am excited about the new place but I do so dread the actual moving. And yet, I've done it like 5 times since I started this blog. Ok, four. This will be #4. My kitties are not yet aware, but I'm hoping they'll be fine. There are windows that have wide enough sills for their large rear ends, and that's the most important thing to them.

The weather here can't make up its mind... blue skies and warm on Saturday morning, one inch of snow on the ground today... I'm hoping that Spring sticks around because when I move the winter clothes are going into storage.

Not much else exciting right now...

Psssst...

Don't tell, blogosphere, but I'm blogging from my new job!

And it is so far so good, as I begin my 2nd week here. Everybody's nice, I can tell I'm totally going to be friends with these people, and the work so far has actually been interesting. Stuff that's not entirely familiar to me, so it keeps my attention while I learn it. It took me about 3 days or so for my brain to kick in, and all of a sudden there was this sense of "Oh, yeah! I remember this now!" Things started coming back to me pretty quickly.

My arm is holding up pretty well. The typing makes it sore, but not unbearably so and I spent the weekend resting it. Last week (before I came in for my first day) I got a regular cast in place of the post-op huge one I had been wearing. That one had gotten very loose and was actually causing pain because my arm was not very secure. This one is much tighter and feels better. Except for when I have an itch and I can't get in there to scratch it... I don't want to stick anything in there, not only because I'm "not supposed to," but especially because I have that incision in there and I do not wish to open it up by accident. With the old cast I could get my fingers in there and reach most itches.

I am no longer seeing the guy I was seeing (Aruba guy). And I am very proud of myself because I have never broken up with anyone in my life with the exception of my high school boyfriend. I don't break up with people, and if they don't break up with me I end up married. It would have been very easy to allow this to go that route. He is a great guy, very nice, very smart, has a good job, really liked me, treated me very well... it just wasn't going to work. And so I had to man up. And I think we will still be friends, which is nice.

I'm moving again. Yep. Pebbles (y'all know that's not her real name, right) and I are getting an apartment together to save money. We're together all the time anyway. I'm excited, she's a good cook. :) The fun part is going to be packing and moving with one arm...

Ouch

A week ago tomorrow I delivered myself to the hospital and signed in for surgery. For those of you that might not know the history here:

Five and a half years ago, I started having pain in my right wrist. It coincided with my first regular use of a laptop computer and its track pad, and I believed the two were related. Six months later I went to see an Ortho doc about it. He sort of blew me off, but explained to me that my ulna bone was too long, and the only thing he could do for me what shorten it surgically. What happens is the ulna is longer than it should be, and therefore bumps into the little tiny bones and the tendons in the wrist causing friction, inflammation, and damage to the bones, tendons and cartilage. But I'm not big into surgery, so I thought I'd just keep wearing my wrist brace.

Last year, my primary care doc began to suspect that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. She sent me to a Rheumatologist who didn't see any signs of RA but was concerned about the considerable pain I was still having in my wrist. He sent me to a hand specialist. She confirmed the "too long ulna" diagnosis, as well as the fact that there's nothing else to be done. She tried a cortisone injection, but it did nothing. I began to consider the surgery.

This fall, my wrist was really bugging me. The pain had progressed to the point that I absolutely HAD to wear the brace, and even then my wrist would still hurt. And there was no way it was going to get better, only worse. So at the end of the year I signed up for the best health insurance program offered at my job and planned to take the plunge.

Here are some photos of the procedure. The reason this patient needed surgery is not the same as mine. The surgery usually is recommended for people who break their radius-- when it heals, it heals shorter than it was previously, and the ulna is now too long. That wasn't my problem-- I was just born this way-- with 4mm too much ulna. My left ulna is also too long-- but it doesn't have as much pain as my right because I am right handed. It hurts a little now, and one day may progress, but because it is used much less I don't plan on having it shortened.

So, Tuesday March 31st I had the surgery. For the past week I have mostly slept. My arm hurts. It doesn't like typing, but I have trouble staying out of touch with the world. :) It has definitely improved, which actually makes me try to do too much, which causes pain... but I'm hanging in there.

And Monday I start my new job! Big stuff happening. Just wanted to update the blogosphere and let you know I'm still here-- I'm just partially out of commission.

Aruba (in tweets that weren't)

DAY ONE

Boarded the flight from ATL to AUA. Plane is half empty, which makes for nice napping.

They are showing the movie "The Express." I missed the first thirty minutes (napping) so I don't want to watch the end. Back to sleep...

OCEAN! THERE'S THE OCEAN!

Boy, that warm air smacks you in the face the minute you step off the plane. Taking off the jeans I wore under my dress.

The Aruba airport is really nice!

Short lines at customs... half-empty plane will do that for you.

Snatched a taxi right away. Too dark to see much outside.

Cruise ships are really big.

There are about 1,436,893 jewelry stores in Aruba. Lucky for someone that I'm not angling for a diamond, you know what I mean?

The front desk lady at our resort is not particularly pleasant. But the bell guy that had to carry my 800 lb suitcase up 2 flights of stairs was nice.

Off to explore, and we truly accidentally stumbled upon Matthew's Beachside Restaurant, an awesome karaoke-having bar. With 2-for-1 drinks. Rum Punch, please.

More rum punch, please.

Some girl asked me to help her with her song. Whatev.

More rum punch, please.

Walked back along the beach, but still can't see the water. It's dark, dudes.

Hawaiian pizza and beer. Old dude at the bar (Ed) is our new best friend.

Can't wait to wake up in the morning and see Aruba!

DAY TWO

That sun? Is really bright.

We can see the ocean from our balcony. It is very very bright turquoise.

Beachtime! I have a pink striped towel, a magazine, and a lounge chair.

Lunch break! Club sandwiches at the pool grill, and Hoops on the TV. Sadly, no Memphis. They're showing Louisville. Damn regional coverage.

Back to the beach. Watching people try to surfsail. Sailsurf? whichever. Nobody's any good at it.

Trip to the grocery store. Beer must be purchased.

Beer purchase success.

Seaview Bar. Jimmy the Singing Bartender. Ed (old guy from last night) dancing. Nuff said.

Wandering to Matthew's Beachside Restaurant for dinner. No karaoke tonight, it is very quiet and calm.

Accordian Man, please don't come to our table. Please don't come to our table. Please don't come to our table... Oh crap.

OMG. The lasagna is UNBELIEVABLE. Great Italian in Aruba. Who knew.

DAY THREE

Up earlier today. Breakfast on the balcony looking out at the Caribbean Sea.

Beach. I love Aruba.

Back to the room for lunch on the balcony, and catching up with March Madness for just a second.

Back to the beach! Staying mostly in the shade, feeling a little lobster-like.

Just woke up with my face in my magazine. Newsprint on my hands. I love the beach.

Back to Singing Jimmy's for cocktails at sunset. No dancing Ed tonight.

Heading for dinner at The Flying Fishbone. Ed's recommendation.

Holy Lord. Where are we going? This is scary.

Wow, this place is nice, it's like a rain forest inside. Waiting at the bar for our table.

Just led through the rain forest out on the sand to the edge of the water. Yes, this is where our table is. Wow.

Oh, look, a little crab on that big boulder! Crabs are kinda creepy.

Carl. I'm naming the crab Carl.

Carl is coming too close to me.

Shew! The waitress startled him back up onto the boulder.

Huh. I don't see Carl anymore, where is he?

OHMYGOD THERE HE IS TOO CLOSE TO ME OHMYGOD.

Amazing setting. Delicious grouper for dinner. Outstanding apple pie for desert. Great experience, Scary Creepy Carl the Crab notwithstanding.

DAY FOUR

Renting a Jeep today to tour the other side of the island and drive around on the dirt roads.

Oh good, the Jeep is RED.

Wait a second. These aren't dirt ROADS. These are like.... trails. Maybe.

My...head...is...bouncing...too...much...to...tweet...

When you take non-roads, there are no maps.

I can't believe I didn't bring Dramamine.

Real Roads! Real Roads!

OMG. This "real road" leads to NOTHING but a road block. After miles. Turning around...

I just offered Jeff $100 to pull over and let me get a coke.

Feeling better now, heading down to Baby Beach.

I just felt a rain drop.

And another one.

Big prison! Looks scary, but at least they are right on the coast. Lovely view from behind bars, you know?

Baby Beach is lovely. But, there's another rain drop.

And the downpour!

Eating lunch in the Jeep after dashing through the rain to put the top up and get all our stuff inside.

We are zapped from the sun and the drive. Headed back to hotel to rest before going out tonight.

Where to eat? Ed the Dancing Fool tells us the pizza is excellent at Tomato Charlie's, so we're off.

Ed was right. Again. I am full as a tick.

DAY FIVE

Fancy brunch today includes all-you-drink Mimosas. I'm stoked.

Um, seriously, they had a mimosa in my hand before I was even in my chair.

I think I will start with the waffles.

These mimosas are really really tasty...

Yummy mimosa good.

No.... I don't need another... okay.

Um, I fink I wants to try somethin else. LIke anovver mimosahhhhhhhhhh.

Who are you? Who am I?

Sleep. Must sleep.

OMG, there's a housekeeper in our room, to the pool for nappy.

GET OUT OF OUR ROOM.

Holy crap, it's three hours later. I slept away half the day. TO THE BEACH.

It's cloudy and rainy and I don't care... The beach is beautiful.

One more drink at Singing Jimmy's to watch the sunset, it's peeking out from behind the clouds... My stomach doesn't feel good. Uh oh.

Watching the President before dinner. I like him.

Prime Rib for dinner, with excellent mashed potatoes. The potatoes are settling my stomach, so that's good.

Good night, Aruba...

DAY SIX

Oh my it's 5am. It's dark. Boo.

Downing OJ and throwing the last of my stuff in my suitcase. :(

Back to the lovely Aruba airport.

Now, going through Aruba customs.

Now... buying liquor in the duty-free.

Now, grabbing our luggage and heading through US Customs. Handy to do that here, rather than there.

And now an hour before the flight. Reading Newsweek. Waiting for one of the coffee places to open.

Boarding for Atlanta. Got an empty seat next to us again. Naptime. Goodbye Aruba!

Hi

Hi there blogosphere. Long time no post.

I have reasons, really, I do. I spend my whole day on Facebook, and there's simply no time blogging. That's my excuse. Not a good one. And really, Facebook is a time sucker, but certainly not the release that blogging can be. Honestly, though, I lost that love for the blog a while back... If you remember the early days of this blog, I was a bloggin fool. I loved, loved, LOVED to blog. But then, things in my personal life went... awry. My husband's mistress read this blog. Her friends, too. It kinda was a blogging buzzkill, as you might imagine. So I started a "secret" blog. Which turned out to not be so secret. And thus, my freedom in blogging was lost. I had no joy in it anymore.

So maybe I'll give it another shot... But the main thing today is that I miss my blogging friends! Some of them I see on Twitter and Facebook, which is nice. But I miss finding new peeps, having new peeps find me, and spending hour after hour blog surfing. So therefore I (attempt) to make my return.

So what's up with me? I'm still working at the golf club, but it's not so great anymore. In October, all my friends that worked the golf course left for (literally) greener pastures-- their winter courses in Florida, Arizona, South Carolina... A few weeks later? The rest of my friends were laid off. Seems the economy does affect the rich folks who are our members. So I was left here at the Club for the (very) boring winter season without my buddies. We all still lived near each other, thank God, so we still hung out in our non-working hours, but the job itself lost its appeal. Also, boring is not even a strong enough word. It's true, I have previously wished for a job that would pay me to sit and surf the internet all day. Well, I got it, people. And it bored me to tears. Mostly. It also made me resent even doing a little tiny bit of work. But this job saved me, and I will always be grateful. This job gave me a place to live when I found myself single and without housing. This job gave me incredible friends that will be by my side for the rest of my life. And this job gave me joy in living every day in one of the most beautiful places in the world (This job also gave me a lot of shit and crap and annoyances with very wealthy people and some not-so-great moments, but we're not talking about that right now). But.

This job is ending. I had found another job and was ready to resign when another round of layoffs came and I found myself on the receiving end. Which actually worked out for me because now I get the benefits of a lay off when I intended to quit anyway. Sorta sweet. So I have, from today, fifteen days left until my last day at this job.

Five of which will be spent in Aruba on vacation.

So I'm pretty excited. I'm also FINALLY having bone-shortening surgery on my right arm that will relieve the pain I've had for nearly five years. Then I have two weeks to recover before starting my new job, which is a return to the legal trenches... I'm looking forward to it.

Andria's meme

Shamelessly stole this from Andria.

1. What do you listen to in the car? Talk Radio/music Radio/CD or nothing. Does anybody actually prefer silence in their car? I listen to a playlist on my iPhone or a cd made from a playlist. I can't stand radio commercials.

2. Do you have an Ipod? If so, what's the last thing you loaded on it? I do have an ipod. I have an iPod mini and an iPhone. The mini stays plugged into my alarm clock b/c it doesn't work unless it's plugged in. The battery sucks. The last thing I loaded was the album of Jessie Baylin-- she was opening for Marc Broussard at a concert I was going to and I wanted to get to know her music. But then she cancelled. :(

3.Do you have a Facebook page? Am I your friend? I am addicted to Facebook. And I am friends with Andria.

4. What's the best book you read last year? Hmm. I have read few all the way through in the past six months, but the one that was actually quite informative for me was "He's Just Not That Into You." Seriously. It has helped me recognize some of my own patterns that lead me directly into crappy relationship situations repeatedly.

5. What's the best movie you watched last year? Goodness. Maybe "Dark Knight."

6. Do you buy music online? Constantly. It's my budget breaker.

7. What is one brand you are loyal to? Charmin. Completely and totally.

8. Did you watch Lost last week? If so, what did you think? Love LOST. It's confusing and maddening and exciting and I can't wait for them to finally explain it all to me like I'm a six year old b/c otherwise I won't understand it.

9. What do you hope to accomplish in 2009? I hope to get back to being a lawyer, lose about ten pounds, and vacation somewhere tropical and fruity.

10. M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms. Plain.

My Favorite Things

Since I've been so lazy about posting, I thought I'd tackle this one, found on Stacy's blog a really long time ago.

Sport: Hoops
Game: Trivial Pursuit
Color: Brown (I know, that's weird)
Movie: Pride & Prejudice (Kiera Knightley version)
Broadway play I have seen: Tony and Tina's Wedding (actually off-Broadway, but I've never seen a Broadway straight play, only musicals)
Broadway Musical I have seen: Les Miserables
Song: favorite song ever? How to choose? Current favorite song is "Single Ladies" by Beyonce.
American city I have visited: That's tough, too. NYC, I guess.
Foreign city I have visited: I wish I remembered more of the cities I visited, they all went by in a blur of 16 year old sleep deprivation. Forced to choose I'd say Moscow. That's the one I remember the most.
Book: I don't have one favorite book.
Children’s Book: What's the one that ends with the man holding his mother in the rocker? THAT one.
Classic television show: is Friends classic?
Recent television show: LOST
Actor: George Clooney
Actress: Kate Winslet
Perfume: Burberry London
Food: pizza
Dessert: chocolate ice cream
Chain Restaurant: Outback
Local Restaurant: Riverside
Car: Honda Accord
Condiment: A-1
Kitchen Appliance: dishwasher
Home Appliance: HDTV
Beauty Product: mineral powder foundation
Piece of clothing: black yoga pants
HGTV Show: Moving Up
Food Network show: None
Author: John Grisham
Male Songwriter:
Female Songwriter: Lori McKenna
Holiday: Christmas
Ballet I have seen: I saw Swan Lake in Moscow, that was pretty cool.
Disney character: Pooh
Flower: peonies
Alcoholic drink: non-beer? Iced tea with Peach vodka. Or actually, it's better if it's peach tea with regular vodka.
Non-Alcoholic drink: Crystal Light pink lemonade
Magazine: Real Simple.
Animated movie: Finding Nemo
Television network miniseries: Hmmm.
Season: Fall
Male vocalist: I'm enjoying Jack Johnson right now.
Female vocalist: Carrie Underwood
Day of the week: Saturday
Household Chore: folding laundry
Ice Cream: Chocolate
Candy: Hot Tamales
Artist: I don't have a favorite.

Don't look now...

But I'm blogging again only 2 days after my last post!

Not that I have much to say...

We haven't had much snow since Christmas, but as I type this I've been watching a snowstorm move in. Which is fine with me, because if it's going to be frigid it might as well be pretty, too. Since I don't drive much or far, and I don't spend much time outside, I say bring it on!

I did go up skiing yesterday, and I had a great time! I was so worried I wouldn't remember how to ski, and that I would fall a lot, and that my friends would be tired and bored of waiting on me. If they were, they didn't show it, and I only fell once-- I was down at the bottom and just not paying any attention, and my skis got tangled in each other and I fell over. That was the very end of the day. I had a few moments where I was going too fast and was out of control, but for the most part I felt good. It was nice to be outside (even though it was like 5 degrees) and with my friends. I'll be excited to get back up there now that I know I can do it! Here's a picture of me with Pebbles and another friend on the gondola:

2009? Seriously?

I cannot believe it is 2009. But I'm happy to see a New Year. 2008 certainly was a difficult one for me, but I honestly believe I'm smarter, stronger, and happier for getting through it.

Getting a day off work was the perfect medicine to improve my Christmas Crankiness, and I had a beautiful, relaxing, happy white Christmas. I will go next weekend to visit my family and they are very nicely doing a Christmas dinner re-do, complete with my favorite ham and mashed potatoes. I'm very excited about it.

I still haven't been skiing yet... I'm skeered. :) I just know that I'm not going to remember what I'm doing and I'm going to have to start all over again. Also, it's cold. And I want to go with my Colorado BFF (let's call her Pebbles) but she and I have conflicting work schedules.

New Year's Eve was big fun-- Pebbles and I went to a very crowded bar and there was dancing and champagne and laughing and kisses at midnight (no, I didn't kiss Pebbles, I may be discouraged about men but I'm not giving up yet). And if you even knew what NYE 2008 was like for me you'd understand how incredibly AWESOME that is. Here we are, left unsupervised with the camera, welcoming 2009.