Sunday, July 12, 2009

Life goes on...

So I'm doing ok.

I took a job back in the hospitality world. It's not bad, actually, but it doesn't pay enough. I'm realizing it might be time to say goodbye to this beautiful place I live. It comes down to a decision... do I want to work two jobs to be able to just pay my bills? No, I don't... If I had no debt I'd be fine. But as you know, that is not my situation. I have debt. Significantly. And I'm tired of it.

It's hard to imagine leaving, and it makes me sad to think about it. I can't really quantify what it is that makes me love it here so much. I have great friends, but I have great friends (and fam) in Memphis and Nashville and Charlotte too. It is beautiful. Every day I think about how beautiful it is. I haven't gotten used to it yet. I love that outside my backdoor I can see snow-capped mountains. I love that it snows on Christmas. I love that it snows all winter! I love that the high temperatures right now (in JULY!!) are in the 80s. I love that there's low humidity. I love that the skies are bluer here than anywhere I've ever seen. I love that the stars twinkle-- I'd never seen actual twinkling stars before. And so many stars! More than I saw (even in the country) in Tennessee. I even love that there are bears at the door of this hotel at night. I love that most people I know here are from somewhere else-- they have all chosen to be here for various reasons, and they all love it too. Many are like me- had a "real job" out in "the world." Cause this isn't the real world. It's not all fun and games, obviously. We work. Lots of people work more than one job. But here, most people's job is a means to an end. It's secondary; it's not their identity (this excludes ski instructors, rafting guides, etc).

What don't I love about it? I don't love that my half of the rent for our apartment is more than the entire rent for a very similar apartment I had in Chattanooga only 5 years ago. I don't love that gas for my car costs $3/gallon. I don't love that the only affordable shopping is 30 minutes away, and that's Target or the Gap (the Gap not really affordable for me at the moment). Old Navy is 2 hours away. A real mall is further. Although, that's probably better for my wallet.

This is why I have to consider leaving. For purely financial reasons. It is time for me to decide whether I can continue to live in this non-real world. Whether living paycheck to paycheck and barely making a dent in my debt is worth the fantasy. It seems like an easy decision on the surface-- no way, financial security is more important. But once I dig deeper, it's not so easy. Would I be happy in the real world? What's more important: financial peace or the peace of the mountains? Is there truly any "real" job that will make me happy enough to balance the loss I will feel from leaving here? Is there a way to find the financial peace here, so I can have it all? Would I lose what I love about the place if I was working the at least two jobs it would take to do so?

Grrr. So many questions... and I have no answers.

For the moment, here's my plan: I'm looking. I'm looking for jobs in Denver, Memphis, Nashville, and Charlotte. If I find one, I'll make a decision. There is one job in Nashville that I think would actually be a perfect fit for me, if I'm offered that position it will be easy... In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my time here and try to find a way to make it work.

I hate that I'm always a mess. I'm always up in the air. My life has been such a disaster for such a long time, and just when I thought I was getting my shit together it fell apart again. I know that in all likelihood, it's for the best. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm starting to think that my lack of continuity here means I'm not supposed to stay... But I do think I'm in need of this t-shirt.


Desert Songbird said...

It's so difficult to know when to compromise between a dream and the practical. One wants to be true to self and be happiest when the soul is fulfilled, but a peaceful soul doesn't always pay the bills.

I think, though, that whatever decision you make needs to be made with your rethinking yourself. You need to believe that you are NOT a mess and disaster. You need to believe that you WILL succeed in making your life a success by YOUR standards.

andria said...

I guess you can always go to Nashville, work yourself out of debt, and go back to CO in the future?

I know. I left Virginia Beach because I had too. I miss it all the time. BUT, I have a good life here in the hell heat too.

Stacy at Exceedingly Mundane said...

I wish I had some good advice, but I don't. I'm a practical person by nature, but that doesn't work for everyone. I do believe that you're going to find a common ground, where you can be practical and be happy and peaceful too. It just may not look like what you envisioned, or thought.

I hope that a door opens, and you see it easily, and walk through it to a very happy tomorrow :) Good luck with the job hunting, and keep us posted!