Tuesday, March 29, 2011


"You don’t have to convince the right man to do the right thing."

Dude.  How come I didn't know this all along?

Kelly at Cleavage often says what's in my head in such a lovely, concise way. Isn't that nice of her?

This one especially, and especially today, when I'm sitting here thinking about Fella and how he keeps doing and saying exactly the right thing. Over and over. Without any persuasion or cajoling or influence from me. Without me charming him, or tricking him, or convincing him.  He just does what he does, and it happens to be awesome.

This is completely and totally unprecedented.

People. Are you telling me that all along, this whole time, this is how it has been in normal, healthy relationships and I just didn't get it?  I didn't see, or know, or realize that it's not about what I can trick him into- it's about what he just DOES. 

I look at some of my friends' relationships and I think, wow, they sure are lucky. Those guys are good to them, and sweet, and honest, and considerate. But no, that's not luck. That's what people are SUPPOSED to be like. And everyone sighs and says to me, "Duh."

What the hell, y'all.   Learn something new every day, I guess.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Conversations with P, my therapist, and my sister have led me to realize that I have no idea how to tell what's the difference between an adult, healthy relationship-- and just settling.

In my adult life, I've not had a relationship (until now) in which I was the pursued, not the pursuer.  I've never felt secure in myself enough to sit back and let the guy do the work.  I've always had this desperation thing going on, this neediness, that resulted in crazy intense feelings and the conviction that I REQUIRED this person in order to continue my life. 

Obviously, I didn't require anyone, because those someones are all gone and I'm quite fine, thank you.

So now I don't feel that way.  I like Fella.  When he's not around, I'm thinking about him.  When something happens, I want to tell him about it. There are a lot of really good things about him, reasons he's awesome- and a big one is that he thinks I'm awesome. But... I don't have that feeling- that crazy intense, desperate, all-encompassing NEED to be with him all the time. In fact, sometimes I prefer to be alone.  Sometimes he gets on my nerves.  I'm quite certain sometimes I get on his, and I don't bend over backwards to prevent it.

People keep telling me that this is a mature, adult, healthy way to feel.  That this is what it's supposed to be like. But how the hell would I know.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011


If you read me in a feed reader, you may have noticed I posted some old entries about my drive from Colorado to North Carolina last summer.  I was reading them over again and I had a few thoughts:

1. Wow, that drive was long. And eventful.

2.  I'm hilarious.

3.  I am a completely different person than I was then.

It's been less than a year.10 months, give or take 10 days. And my life is completely and totally and vastly different. And not only have my circumstances changed, but I almost don't even recognize the person that I was.  I would not have believed it then, if someone had told me I'd be working in a job I actually like (and working a double caseload currently, thank you NOT so much, early arriving baby of coworker); living back home in Memphis; seriously dating a fella; not feeling unsettled or lost or conflicted or aimless.

It's awesome and at the same time it's weird to have changed so much in such a short period of time.

Also today I posted this one from last May about how hard it will be for me ever to love the way I used to love. The just surrender and be vulnerable.  This is my current challenge. I'm trying to be aware of my issues and the threat they may have to my relationship with Fella.  I don't want to be non-trusting, or too wary, or keep up a wall. I want to be cautious, but I don't want the fact that my ex was a colossal failure of a husband to ruin any chance any other man has. Especially this one.  Cause I like him. :)