I've written a little about my lack of interest in dating lately, but I realized today that I have not been single in over ten years. I understand that is not a long time necessarily, but for me it just feels... like eternity. When I was last single, I was 24 years old. Just graduated college, starting law school. Not really an adult (am I now?). It's no wonder I don't know who the hell I am. It's interesting for me, given my recent realization that for the first time EVER (seriously, ever) I'm not looking for a boyfriend. It's not that I made a conscious decision to not date anyone, I just came to the realization that I don't want to. This is seriously a major milestone for me, and that may sound silly.
I'm not that girl that always had a boyfriend, at all. But I was that girl that always WANTED a boyfriend. I can't remember a time that I wasn't daydreaming about a guy. A specific guy, a famous guy, an imaginary guy that I just knew I would meet soon, there had to be a guy. Lately, I can't even imagine having a boyfriend. I'm not thinking about anyone. I'm not imagining meeting someone. I'm not daydreaming about finding someone.
It's WEIRD. And it's GREAT. I feel more powerful than ever, because for once I have the power-- I'm not handing it over to any man that comes along. I also feel more attractive than ever, because instead of thinking about getting a guy to notice me, I'm realizing that they do. It is so liberating to not worry about whether I'm going to get a date. Who cares? Not me. Not anymore.
I know I'll change my mind on this. One day I'll meet somebody that will make me reconsider my "no relationship" position. Or I'll realize one day that I am in fact ready, just as I have now realized I'm not. And that will be a good day too. But for now, only needing myself, my friends, and my family, I feel so much stronger and healthier and happier than I ever have.
Divorce can be a good thing when it allows you to realize that you're not defined by someone else. Especially when the someone else is a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole.
Did I say that out loud? ;)