Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Decade

I've written a little about my lack of interest in dating lately, but I realized today that I have not been single in over ten years. I understand that is not a long time necessarily, but for me it just feels... like eternity. When I was last single, I was 24 years old. Just graduated college, starting law school. Not really an adult (am I now?). It's no wonder I don't know who the hell I am. It's interesting for me, given my recent realization that for the first time EVER (seriously, ever) I'm not looking for a boyfriend. It's not that I made a conscious decision to not date anyone, I just came to the realization that I don't want to. This is seriously a major milestone for me, and that may sound silly.

I'm not that girl that always had a boyfriend, at all. But I was that girl that always WANTED a boyfriend. I can't remember a time that I wasn't daydreaming about a guy. A specific guy, a famous guy, an imaginary guy that I just knew I would meet soon, there had to be a guy. Lately, I can't even imagine having a boyfriend. I'm not thinking about anyone. I'm not imagining meeting someone. I'm not daydreaming about finding someone.

It's WEIRD. And it's GREAT. I feel more powerful than ever, because for once I have the power-- I'm not handing it over to any man that comes along. I also feel more attractive than ever, because instead of thinking about getting a guy to notice me, I'm realizing that they do. It is so liberating to not worry about whether I'm going to get a date. Who cares? Not me. Not anymore.

I know I'll change my mind on this. One day I'll meet somebody that will make me reconsider my "no relationship" position. Or I'll realize one day that I am in fact ready, just as I have now realized I'm not. And that will be a good day too. But for now, only needing myself, my friends, and my family, I feel so much stronger and healthier and happier than I ever have.

Divorce can be a good thing when it allows you to realize that you're not defined by someone else. Especially when the someone else is a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole.

Did I say that out loud? ;)

3 comments:

Desert Songbird said...

There's so much to be said about being your own person. I have seen so many people, desperate to be married or with someone, and then they end up with a loser, or they end up alone because they've scare off everyone. When you are most comfortable with yourself, then, if you find someone to share you life, it will be a healthier, happier relationship. Don't you think?

Lois Grebowski said...

Desert songbird pretty much sums it up. Enjoy the power and freedom!!

Gayle said...

You said it. It was spoken with firm, knowing authority! Go Girl!