Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Life feels like I'm treading water lately. I know, I blog about this a lot. But I have yet to get myself figured out and I do that here.

I'm waiting, always waiting, for something to happen. Right now I'm waiting to find out whether Plan A(which I haven't told you about yet, but I will, probably) will come to fruition. If not, what will I do then? What's Plan B? Will I commit to a life here, being a former lawyer forever? Will the life I have here ever feel like reality? If I leave, will I ever be as comfortable as I am here? This place, that for unknown reasons, has made itself home to me... I'll never understand why. It's completely unlike Memphis, the home I grew up in, the home I loved, and yet I am completely home here.

I think the situation is this: if I'm going to work a crappy paying job, not have any money, and live paycheck to paycheck, I want to do it here. Here, I have other things that make my soul happy. Like my daily gondola ride, the fifteen minutes of peace and beauty. It sounds cheesy, but every day I am amazed at what I get to see as the sun comes up over the mountains onto the snow. The communal acceptance (especially in the company I work for now)-- nobody cares who you were in your "previous life," in the "real world." Or cares that you're running away from it. Or that you have no clue who you are. Come figure it out with us. Nobody's judgmental. Everybody goes with the flow and you're welcome to ride along.

On the other hand, I could do it nearer my family, and that would make me happy too. But there's something about being here, where nobody cares that I used to have a real job, and doesn't bug me about why I don't anymore.

Or I could move near my family and try to get back into lawyering. I just don't think it'll be easy at this point, particularly given the economy and the state of the legal job market (it ain't good, in case you didn't know).

But. I don't like the waiting feeling. I want to live life, not wait for it. I want to make a decision, make a goal, and go after it. If it's not Plan A, then time to formulate Plan B.

And as soon as I find out whether Plan A is happening, I'll do just that.


secret agent woman said...

I hate ambiguity - I like to know where I stand, where things are going But so often we don't get to know.

Desert Songbird said...

You know, my friend, if your soul is not at peace where you are, it doesn't matter what you're doing, how much money you have, or if you have family near or far. Do whatever and Be wherever your soul finds peace and harmony.