Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Difficult

The hard part in writing about my marriage and divorce is not sharing what my ex-husband did or how he treated me. The hard part is exposing my response. The fact that I continued to allow it. That I did not pack my bags and leave immediately. Or after a month or two. Or year. Or ever, really. I never did leave. I stayed.

Why?

I can't even begin to answer the question that is most often asked. When I finally began to share the truth with my friends and family, none could understand why I had stayed. Why I didn't demand more respect from him. Why I didn't stand up for myself.

I don't know the answer.

I have a few contributing factors to blame. This was my second marriage, and I didn't want to be twice divorced. I sure as all hell did not want to be twice divorced at 32, which is something I repeated over and over (I made it to 34). That had a bigger effect on me than some might guess-- I was really fearful of being that woman. Another, I suppose, was laziness. Damned if I wanted to go out there and have to find someone new. Loneliness, too. Especially after we moved out here to Colorado. At the time, I did have friends, but not really good ones. I was terrified that I would be completely alone. ALONE. Alone, alone, alone. I was like Jerry Maguire. Interestingly, this did not become a problem because when he left I found myself taken in by a new circle of friends that are my family now.

I have a pattern of staying with men that give me less than I desserve, mostly because I'd rather that than being alone. I think I've finally learned my lesson on that one. But we'll see.

4 comments:

Lois Grebowski said...

Hugs, dear Sadie...

secret agent woman said...

I understand, and yet I have decided you can be less lonely alone than with the wrong person.

Katie said...

Hello!! He alienated you from your friends/family. And he tore down your self esteem. I want so badly to kick him in the jimmy. I LOVE YOU!!!

Desert Songbird said...

Why does anyone stay? Why in the face of all that makes sense (or does NOT make sense) do we stay? It's human nature. Don't find too much fault with yourself. Now that you've done what's best for you with regards to him, it's time to do what is best for you in the long run.