Slacker

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote something. Since my last post on October 26, Fella and I moved in together to our new house, I hosted Thanksgiving for his parents and grandmother (and y'all, I cooked. A turkey and everything), and have mostly unpacked and settled in.  Things are going remarkably smoothly with the whole living together thing.  If I can just get him to do things EXACTLY THE WAY I DO THEM, we'll be all good. :)

We've been doing the premarital counseling thing, which is mandatory in our church (and also saves us $60 on the marriage license) and wedding plans are, for the most part, falling right into place.  The reception location has been reserved, the photographer too.  Caterer and florist are pretty much selected, but not quite booked.  Dress purchased. Invitations chosen (I think). Everything went pretty well, except for the one major argument about whether we REALLY needed thank you cards with our names on them (of course we do) and then that one time where the guest list doubled in the course of one phone call from one aunt.  But other than that...

We're going to my sister's house for Christmas, and I'm excited for our first Christmas together.  Then to ASPEN FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE I AM SO VERY EXCITED. 

Other than that, no new developments really. No major revelations about life or love this time. :)

Choosing

So I told Fella what I felt about the NYC bride and groom and their unguarded love for each other and how  I worried he was missing out and how I felt broken.   He said that he didn't think I was broken.  Being a knight in shining armor is too much pressure, he said. He likes knowing I can stand on my own two feet but choose to be with him.   He said he didn't want that woman that thought he hung the moon, because he has a woman that challenges him and makes him laugh and that is amazing, so why would he want something different.

Yeah. I thought that was pretty awesome, too.  Brokenness stopped in its tracks.

But the way I'm second guessing, reevaluating, questioning... is that bad? Does it mean this is not right?

So then today I read this on my new blog obsession: "For me, [engagement] was an ongoing regimen of gut-checks: Is this what I want? Is he who I want? And the answer was always yes. I was choosing him every day. And I knew he was choosing me."

Yes! This!  I keep checking my gut, I worry overly often, to make sure I'm on the right path. Since I don't trust my romantic choices, I'm continuously reassessing them. Is this right? Is he right? Are we crazy? Can I possibly have finally gotten it right?   And in doing so, every day, I choose him. Over and over. Pretty nifty.

Broken

Fella and I attended a wedding last weekend. It was quite the event- on the Hudson River in New York City, four course seated dinner, beautiful flowers... but what struck me was the ceremony.  The couple had written the entire ceremony themselves, and though I had never met either of them before that weekend, by the end of the night I felt I knew them well because they were able to incorporate so many personal elements.  One thing was quite remarkably clear-- these two were madly in love.  Madly in love, in that maybe I should write this down because I don't want to ever forget a single word that comes out of his brilliant mouth sort of way.  Can't keep our hands off each other sort of way.  The world stops when she walks through the door sort of way. Want to voice every thought and feeling we ever have sort of way.  It was lovely, and sweet, and really very moving.

I started thinking, naturally, about the wedding Fella and I will have. About our relationship.  And about how I feel like I am not capable of THAT kind of feeling.  I love Fella, I think he's a really good man. He makes me laugh, he's smart, and he's kind.  And I worry that he's getting the short end of the deal here.  I mean, he thinks I'm all that and a bag of chips, so he's pleased with this arrangement, don't get me wrong.  But am I depriving him of that kind of relationship?  His childhood friend just married a woman that looked at him like he hung the moon up in the sky just for her... But Fella gets a woman that looks at him with cautious optimism.  Because I'm broken.

I used to be that girl. I was wide open- honest and naked and completely and totally vulnerable. We all know that didn't turn out so well, and I think it's not unreasonable that I'm guarded.  But.

I honestly don't know if the wall will ever come all the way down. I'm not keeping it up on purpose, and I don't keep him a little bit at arm's length consciously, but... It is happening.  I'm protective of my soft places, and I'm a protective of my individual, separate life.   We've discussed this before.

When my phone beeps, if he picks it up and reads the text on the screen before handing me the phone I immediately feel a bit violated. Not because there is anything in that text that I don't want him to see, but it irks me that he would read it. It's not to him.  I have to remind myself that he just likes to know all about me, it's just his way, he's not trying to control anything. It's not like he's snooping, he's just infinitely curious and wants to know all about me and all the people in my life.  I'm not that way-- self-absorption or self-protection, I don't know, but either one, I'm not all that interested in other people.  I purposefully do not mention any little stories about a friend to him, because he will continue to ask about that friend and that situation forever. I tell myself it's protecting that friend's privacy, but sometimes it's really just because I don't like to share every corner of my life.


What if the wall never comes down? What if he's stuck battling my defense mechanism forever?  What if I'm irreparably broken?

Name

When I got divorced 3 years ago, and changed my last name back to my maiden name, I swore I would never change my last name again.  Never.

I hate that when I see someone I haven't seen in a while, and they say, "your last name was different then, wasn't it?" There are multiple possibilities for what my last name might have been.  There's my last name at birth. My last name when my step-father adopted me in second grade (my current last name), and two married last names have come and gone, with my maiden name making an appearance in the middle.

And despite my confidence in this decision, in Fella, in our ability to make it work, I'm unsure. I mean, of course I'm confident. He's my lobster!  Confident, yes. But I'm still wary.

My hesitancy is partially due to the fear that one day I'll have to change it back. Again. Those fears that rear their ugly heads, the remnants of my past, the foundations of my wall.

There's also the whole professional angle, Judges and other attorneys are starting to know me by name and I'm going to go and mess that up?  Also, if I keep this name professionally, clients and opposing parties will not be able to find me as easily in the world (by searching property records, etc. YES they do that).

I have to figure this out before I order our Thank You cards....

Funny

So, as I stare down my imminent move (25 days to go) I was thinking about all the times I had moved since this blog started.  I moved to Colorado during a time I wasn't blogging much (*cough* marital disintegration *cough*), and I didn't much talk about it. Then I moved again when I found myself suddenly single in June 2008, and didn't blog about that either. I lived for a few months with a roommate, then moved to my own place in early November 2008.  Then in April 2009 I moved in with P.  Then in April 2010 I left Colorado and documented my cross-country move. And last September, I moved back home to Memphis. And now, I'm moving in with Fella.


Wow, blog tweeps.  We've been through a boatload together.  This is my seventh move since I started the blog. I'm too lazy to count the jobs I've taken, lost, and/or  left (okay, I counted. Nine. Nine jobs, since I started blogging).  I've adopted a new kitten (wow he was so tiny!), lost a dog, moved across the country, gotten divorced, started writing like three books (none finished, of course), moved back across the country,  stayed in a job a WHOLE YEAR, found someone new, and now I'm getting married...

Life is a funny thing, isn't it.



p.s. I bought a dress. A pretty one. A bride-y one. :)  I went to visit my mom and sister and we went shopping.  I'm certainly not putting a picture up here, but I wish I could. Because I LURRRVVVE it.

More

My wrist is doing well... removing the screws and plate is a much easier undertaking than putting them in.  Today is two weeks and one day post-op, and I barely notice it.  I have steri strips over my incision, and sometimes they get pulled or rubbed by my clothes or whatever, and that irritates it a little.   And lots of typing, or carrying heavy things, makes it sore. But all in all, big improvement.

Oh, also? Fella is under contract to buy the best house ever, and we will be taking the big moving-in-together step on Halloween. Which I find appropriate. :)

(Actually, it's two days before Halloween, which is on a Monday this year, but that doesn't sound as good)

In the next six weeks, I have: this weekend, 2 bridal showers for my BFF; next weekend, my own birthday and a major fundraising event for which I'm volunteering; followed by 3 weekends out of town-- one for bridal shopping with my mom and sister, one for said BFF's bachelorette weekend, one for Fella's best friend's wedding in NYC, which is immediately followed by BFF's wedding weekend here in town, and then the next weekend?  MOVING.


Anybody wanna come pack up all my stuff?  I'll give you a dollar.

Details

Sorry for the delay!  I've been a busy busy bee...

So.  Let's start at the very beginning.

Remember when I did this?  Well, two years later and the metal plate and screws were bothering me, so I set up an outpatient surgery to remove them.  That went without incident, and after two days at home, stuck in the house, I was getting a bit of cabin fever.  Fella suggested just getting out and going to lunch, as he was craving a burger from a certain restaurant.  I thought it was a weird thing to be craving, but I like that place so I said that sounded good.  When we got to the restaurant, it crossed my mind that, because this restaurant was the site of our first date, it would make an appropriate proposal location.  But lunch came and went, and was delicious, but nothing of interest happened.  And back home we went.

I was ready to cuddle up under the covers on my couch, where I'd spent the past 2 days, and Fella let Max out.  When he let Max back in, he said, "Max has something for you."  I couldn't see anything in his mouth, and I was wary, because I expected a dead critter or piece of poop or clod of dirt.  Instead I saw a pink ribbon tied in a bow.  Max came to me and laid down, as he always does, and Fella knelt down beside us, took the ribbon off Max's collar which was holding the ring, and asked me to marry him.

I, of course and obviously, said yes...

Engaged.

 

Details to follow.... :)

Vacation

I hate when vacations end.

Aren't we supposed to return from vacations feeling refreshed and raring to go? Ready to take on the workplace with renewed vigor???

Notsomuch in my case. I think vacations just reinforce my urge to throw in the towel and play hooky. Every day. But alas, this is un-possible. And I am back in the real world, freeing the less fortunate from the bonds of unholy matrimony, already reminiscing about last week.

Fella, btw, survived vacation with my family with little to no damage. He faced a few "what are your intentions" type questions, mostly asked in a haha-I'm-just-kidding-but-no-really-I'm-totally-serious-what-are-your-intentions way, but handled it all quite well and everyone is none the worse for wear.

Much beer and wine were drunk, much food happily consumed, many naps taken. It was relaxing and fun, and the moon thought so too.

Full moon rising

Fellapdate

Fellapdate. Get it?  Fella update? Fellapdate! It's genius.

The lovely and talented Keanie Beanie commented on my last post and hoped that Fella was filling the hole left my Mr. Nonexistent. 

First I want to say that it's only noticed on occasion.  Much of my feelings about that relationship are related to my anger at myself and how I wish I had handled things differently.  But Lord knows I've blogged about that before. The missing of the nonexistent man is more of a wistful occasional passing thought, but one that can be particularly striking when it's connected to someone that elicits such a repellant reaction from me.

Fella is an entirely different creature. I can't quite figure him out.  He's not like anyone I have ever dated. He doesn't try to keep me guessing or "keep me on my toes." He doesn't make himself distant or out of reach or unavailable. I don't feel like I have to convince him, as I've said before. If anything, he's convincing me and that's a nice change. It's nice to be the one that gets wooed. The woo-ee. :) 

So Fella is not the guy I thought my ex was, nor do I want him to be. However, he seems to actually be what I think he is... and that's a good start.  He shows himself to me. And as Maya Angelou said and Oprah repeated, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" (I will refrain from correcting Ms. Angelou's grammar, because she's earned some poetic license in my opinion).  The ex gave me glimpses of who he really was, and I didn't believe him. I believed in Mr. Nonexistent.  Fella shows me who is over and over, and it's consistent with what I believe him to be. 

He is going with me on vacation with my family this month. Willingly.  Even eagerly.  He likes hanging out with them.  He fits right in to the crowd. He plays the Wii and splashes in the pool with my niece. 

Of course, he's not perfect.  He eats too much too fast.  He whistles sometimes and that can be annoying. He wants to talk to people, for heaven's sake. But these are things I can handle.  These are things with which I can live.

And because of my experience with my ex, I am ever more appreciative of that.

Nonexistent

Sometimes I think about something, or something happens, or I hear some news about something or someone from the past. And I wonder how my ex would react if he heard. Especially when that piece of news would finish a story that started back when we were together.

When that happens, a thought flashes across my mind that I miss him. But the idea of missing him makes me want to vomit.

In fact I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.

And I realize now that the person I want to tell, the person I want to talk to about it, the person I sometimes miss...

Doesn't exist. And never did.

"You'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be" is a line from a Chely Wright song I loved years ago. And now I understand it. And that is whom I miss. The imaginary, nonexistent, man in my head. The man my ex wasn't, didn't want to be, couldn't have been if he tried.

And even though he was never real... sometimes, I miss him.

Unfiltered

Y'all.

P has a blog.  If you have a minute, mosey over and visit.  Don't forget to feed the fish!

Did I Say That Out Loud?

Pining

It's hotter than the fires of hell (seriously, y'all, like almost 100 degrees) in Memphis right now (already! It's just June 1!), and it makes me miss Colorado.

I miss the sound of the rattling Aspen leaves in the cool, fresh breeze, and the river rushing by while P and I sit on the deck at our favorite bar eating chicken nachos and drinking Pacifico. 

I miss needing a jacket after dark, even in August.  I miss the lack of humidity and the not feeling sticky already at 9 am.

I miss driving with the windows down (because you don't need AC) and singing along with the radio.  I miss keeping the windows open all summer for the kitties, and sleeping to the sound of the fan (I never thought I'd live without air conditioning).

I miss the way I felt so free my Summer of Me (yes, I know it was because I was ignoring my responsibilities, which is not good in the long run, but at the time was awesome) like the weight of the world was off my shoulders (which it totally was).  I could do ANYTHING. I could be ANYONE. I was released. It was amazing.

There are plenty of things I don't miss, of course.  Being beyond broke, barely employed, and depressed can all go suck it and I'm glad they're gone.

Fella says one day when we're rich and don't have to work anymore he'll buy me a house there.

I can't wait.

Anthrophobia

Fella likes to ask me questions about my day- he asks all about my co-workers, their spouses and lives, and always wants to know about my cases and clients. 

I don't know so much about his people.  Or his job.  Or his daily work life.  Not cause he doesn't want to tell me, I wouldn't think, but mostly I don't really ask. I mean, I ask if he had a good day, but I don't really get into things that happened at his office.  And lots of times he'll ask me questions about my friends or co-workers or family members, and I don't know the answer.  Especially about their spouses/friends and what those people do for jobs. This is not something I'm apparently too concerned with. 

His brain is always working to find a way to relate to people, to talk to them, to get to know them.  Mine... notsomuch.  If we are out in public, and from far across the crowded park or arena or restaurant, he sees someone he knows, he will go out of his way to make sure to say hello to that person.  Even if that person would never have known he was there, and isn't someone that Fella is super excited to see.  On the other hand, I will often literally HIDE from someone I know so I can avoid talking to them, even if I like them just fine.

I would rather send fifty emails or texts than pick up a telephone and call someone. I avoid telephone calls in my personal and my professional life.  Even my mother, my sister, P and Katie know that calling me is a waste of time, because I hate it. And I LOVE the Facebook and Twitter (and the blogosphere, obvs), but I avoid actual, in person conversation, and I don't relish (okay I loathe) social events and activities where I have to do my makeup and dress cute and then be friendly and cheerful with people that aren't in my intimate circle.

When I was younger I was always a people person.  I was the life of the party. I was everybody's friend.  So did I change? Or was that not the real me? 

And it's not that I HATE people.  I like people. I just prefer them to be not in my actual physical presence.  Unless they are people with whom I am comfortable enough to wallow on the couch, eating snacks, and (silently) watching TV.

So I guess it's all about the effort I'm required to expend to be around someone, and that makes me feel lazy, and then guilty for being lazy, but not guilty enough to change my laziness, because it is me and it is mine and it's what makes me happy.

Crazy

Yesterday I was at the courthouse, getting a client divorced.

It's what I do. Often.  It doesn't take long, when it's uncontested, and all the details have already been ironed out.  It's a matter of a few questions and a Judge's signature. And his whole life is different.

One after another, one party would stand up, testify to how they lived in this county, wanted a divorce, believed their settlement was fair, and that was that. The other person doesn't even have to be there. It's such a short, easy process that is not remotely indicative of what is actually happening under the surface in most cases.

While I waited for my case to be called, I was just struck with the strongest feeling.  I do NOT want to ever be there again.  Of course, duh, nobody sits and thinks how she can't wait for her next divorce, but I had this gripping feeling in my chest, I really, REALLY do not want to ever have to go through that again.

At least I know I would survive, which I want to tell clients sometimes, but they don't really believe me.  Come at me with what you will, I know there is truly no shit in the world you can throw in my path that I can't climb over.  But sweet Lord I don't want to. 

If you have read here before, you know that my two divorces were not shockers.  I can site multiple examples of pre-wedding instances that should have caused me to run the other direction. I have not done so completely here, because it's mortifying and ridiculous and I'm ashamed of it. 

So I look at Fella with a critical eye. And despite the stomach churning I feel when I think of getting divorced again, I don't fear moving forward with him. The flags are green.  It's a good decision. When I approach it from an entirely non-romantic perspective it makes sense, which is a test neither of my previous marriages would pass. I spent last week in Mexico with P talking about it- Us both trying to figure out what's wrong with the idea, and not really coming up with anything, other than my bad decision-making in the past and the accelerated speed he and I have reached this level of discussion.

Yesterday after court I coincidentally had an appointment with my therapist and I told her how I was taken aback by the feeling that morning.  And how desperately I want to avoid that hurt. And how yet I still want to get married again.  And I asked her the question you're probably asking yourself about me right now. "Am I CRAZY?" 

And she said no.

And then she said, "well, you're crazy, but that's not why."

;)

Wall

So, I know I've totally left you all hanging.  And probably you can't sleep at night, just going crazy wondering what's up in my life. 

Heh.

So... Fella is indeed still awesome. 

My friends and I talk about him (of course we do) and we wonder and wait for something to be wrong with him.  The only thing so far is that he and I do not have the same political leanings... but we agree on the things that are very most important to me, so I'm okay with it. For the time being.  Oh, and he eats too fast.  Like he's racing someone.  Like his parents took his plate away before he was finished as a child or something.  He (and they) assure me this is not the case, but dude. 

There have been multiple times in the past couple of years that I have thought I'd never get to this point with someone.  I hoped. But I'm not sure I ever really thought I'd get here. We're talking rings and  mortgages and babies.  And it doesn't freak me out. 

I've still got a wall, though. He knows it, I know it.  It's there.  He saw it go up, right about the time I figured out that I really liked him.  It's crumbling, but he still bumps into it sometimes- when he does something nice for me (like, ahem, CLEANING MY HOUSE which sent me for a loop) or says something so sweet you'd think it's from some teenage girl's dream diary.  But I'm starting to think that I could handle getting used to this...

Convincing

"You don’t have to convince the right man to do the right thing."

-Convince Me Not

Dude.  How come I didn't know this all along?

Kelly at Cleavage often says what's in my head in such a lovely, concise way. Isn't that nice of her?

This one especially, and especially today, when I'm sitting here thinking about Fella and how he keeps doing and saying exactly the right thing. Over and over. Without any persuasion or cajoling or influence from me. Without me charming him, or tricking him, or convincing him.  He just does what he does, and it happens to be awesome.

This is completely and totally unprecedented.

People. Are you telling me that all along, this whole time, this is how it has been in normal, healthy relationships and I just didn't get it?  I didn't see, or know, or realize that it's not about what I can trick him into- it's about what he just DOES. 

I look at some of my friends' relationships and I think, wow, they sure are lucky. Those guys are good to them, and sweet, and honest, and considerate. But no, that's not luck. That's what people are SUPPOSED to be like. And everyone sighs and says to me, "Duh."

What the hell, y'all.   Learn something new every day, I guess.

Discernment

Conversations with P, my therapist, and my sister have led me to realize that I have no idea how to tell what's the difference between an adult, healthy relationship-- and just settling.

In my adult life, I've not had a relationship (until now) in which I was the pursued, not the pursuer.  I've never felt secure in myself enough to sit back and let the guy do the work.  I've always had this desperation thing going on, this neediness, that resulted in crazy intense feelings and the conviction that I REQUIRED this person in order to continue my life. 

Obviously, I didn't require anyone, because those someones are all gone and I'm quite fine, thank you.

So now I don't feel that way.  I like Fella.  When he's not around, I'm thinking about him.  When something happens, I want to tell him about it. There are a lot of really good things about him, reasons he's awesome- and a big one is that he thinks I'm awesome. But... I don't have that feeling- that crazy intense, desperate, all-encompassing NEED to be with him all the time. In fact, sometimes I prefer to be alone.  Sometimes he gets on my nerves.  I'm quite certain sometimes I get on his, and I don't bend over backwards to prevent it.

People keep telling me that this is a mature, adult, healthy way to feel.  That this is what it's supposed to be like. But how the hell would I know.

Grown

If you read me in a feed reader, you may have noticed I posted some old entries about my drive from Colorado to North Carolina last summer.  I was reading them over again and I had a few thoughts:

1. Wow, that drive was long. And eventful.

2.  I'm hilarious.

3.  I am a completely different person than I was then.

It's been less than a year.10 months, give or take 10 days. And my life is completely and totally and vastly different. And not only have my circumstances changed, but I almost don't even recognize the person that I was.  I would not have believed it then, if someone had told me I'd be working in a job I actually like (and working a double caseload currently, thank you NOT so much, early arriving baby of coworker); living back home in Memphis; seriously dating a fella; not feeling unsettled or lost or conflicted or aimless.

It's awesome and at the same time it's weird to have changed so much in such a short period of time.

Also today I posted this one from last May about how hard it will be for me ever to love the way I used to love. The just surrender and be vulnerable.  This is my current challenge. I'm trying to be aware of my issues and the threat they may have to my relationship with Fella.  I don't want to be non-trusting, or too wary, or keep up a wall. I want to be cautious, but I don't want the fact that my ex was a colossal failure of a husband to ruin any chance any other man has. Especially this one.  Cause I like him. :)

Fella

Fair enough.

Andria wants to know about the fella, and I've hinted at the existence of said fella a couple of times, and I have trained you to know that if asked (and often when not asked) I am happy to share all the details of my life...

Okay. So Fella (does Fella need a name?  Nah, let's just go with "Fella") and I met just before Christmas.  He is (very) tall, and sweet, and thinks I am the cat's freakin' pajamas.

He lives in a neighborhood I like, he has a good job, he's smart, he's appropriately gentlemanly, he loves his momma, he grew up with sisters and therefore understands women better than some, he's polite, he's funny, he's got great hair, he actually listens when I talk.  I mentioned a restaurant I'd always wanted to go to and doggone it if he didn't surprise me with reservations. I mentioned getting together to watch the Tigers on TV and he got tickets- courtside seats.  He wants to spend as much time with me as he possibly can, but understands when I need alone time. He thinks I'm silly for joining Weight Watchers, because I'm perfect the way I am. He goes to church with me.  He's eager to meet my friends (and the ones that met him gave the big thumbs up- and they're as wary as I am).  He's introducing me to his friends, and I met his parents (whom I actually LIKED, and who liked me) weeks ago.

All of this sounds great, right? Right.  I, of course, am waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to say something rude or mean or obnoxious. Waiting for him to hurt my feelings, or be shady about where he's been, or ogle another woman right in front me.  I've never been so cautious in a relationship before, and I was afraid he would get bored of it and move on, but nope. He's just patient. And he calls regularly, and I don't ever wonder where he is or what he's doing. Because he's always with me, or wants to be. What the heck is up with that?

In all fairness, it's only been two months.  Crazy stuff could happen at any time. I've got my eyes peeled, I tell you.  He will not sneak up on me with the asshole-ish-ness... I'm not going to miss any red flags.  But I'll be darned if they're not all bright green right now...

Tick

Do you hear that?

That loud-as-all-get-out TICK TOCK TICK?  The thundering echo of my biological clock that is reminding me that my eggs!  They are shriveling!  They will expire! I'm going to RUN OUT OF TIME!

OHMYGAH I'M THIRTY-SIX AND A HALF (ALMOST) AND OH YEAH I DIDN'T HAVE A BABY YET.


I sure as hell hear it. It's cranked up a time or two along the way the past thirty-six and a half (almost) years, but it's always faded away after a bit.  But boy, is it SUPER LOUD right now.

I blame the baby shower I attended two Saturdays ago, and all the teeny teeny tiny little pink soft teeny tiny things I fondled.  All the sweet little dresses and world's softest blankets and adorable teeny teeny tiny socks and such.  And the ridiculously glowy, happy, non-complication having co-worker that flits around with her great boobs and basketball tummy (and I swear not an extra ounce anywhere else on her teeny tiny little body).  She makes it look awfully easy and fun. And she's also incredibly unlike me in that she has kept all the un-lovely things about her current condition to herself.  I've never heard her complain about nausea, or fatigue, or any of the really unpleasant things that most people avoid talking about at parties.  And that doesn't help me.  I want to hear about how she wanted to puke when she smells my lunch, or how she could barely keep her eyes open at her desk, or how she is now so tired of being pregnant she wants to reach in there and yank that baby right out.

I'm trying to avoid talking about this in real life because my fella and I are pretty newly coupled and talk of babies is as yet not really warranted, I'm thinking.  Besides, by next week I'll probably be enjoying my late-sleeping, nap-taking, non-babysitter-needing, nachos-for-dinner lifestyle and forgotten all about it.

We'll see.

p.s. Oh yeah, there's a fella. ;) 

Meme

Meme-ing again, because my brain is tired. Found this one over at the Ice Box...

1. What curse word do you use the most?

Hmmm. That's a good question. I have a mouth like a sailor.

2. Do you own an iPod?

I have two iPhones (one that works and one's that impaired) and an old iPod mini.

3. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?

Of course! I'm Facebook friends with him, in fact.

4. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?

Take the picture. Always.

5. Has anyone ever called you lazy?

Have you met me?

6. Has anyone told you a secret this week?

I'm a divorce lawyer. So... yes.

7. What is the first thing you notice about the someone to whom are attracted?

His brain.  Or his butt.  Whichever he shows first. (stolen from Songbird, because AWESOME.)

8. To what are you looking forward?

I'm planning a vacation with P in May.

9. Do you own any band t-shirts?

Do marching band t-shirts count?  Actually, I think I have one Daughtry shirt. ;)

10. When is the last time you slept on the floor?

The last time I remember was last April when the air mattress I was on deflated, and I couldn't be bothered to blow it up again.

11. What did you do last night?

Was very sad watching the Tigers. Then I went to bed.

12. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?

Same. I think. I'm not sure there's a difference, actually.

13. Who was the last person to make you mad?

The person who decided that Charlotte airport only needed five de-icers.

14. To whom would you want to be tied for 24 hours?

Jake Gyllenhall might be nice.

15. T or F: All’s fair in love and war?

True. Love and war are my occupation.

16. What’s something you’ve always wanted?

A fairy tale ending.

17. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?

Yes.  And I'm not just saying that cause she reads my blog. :)

18. Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 Mustang?

Lord no.  I don't look good in yellow.

19. Where is/are your best friend(s)?

Here and there.

20. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?

I don't like swimming in either, really. Too many critters and creatures and plants. I like to LOOK at the ocean, swim in the pool.

Summary

Stole this from Andria.  I have stuff to tell, but I'm tired and can't gather my thoughts, so I'm gonna start with a meme.


1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Packed my shit and moved from Colorado to North Carolina.
Packed my shit again and moved from North Carolina home to Memphis.
Rented a whole house for just me to live in.  Well, me and my menagerie.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

Partially. I don't know.  It seems like a waste.



3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope. I don't think.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
 
No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None other than my own.


6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Love (the romantic kind, I've got the other kind).  Extra money.


7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 20, when I left Aspen.  September 15, when I started this job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Feeling this weird happy-peaceful-contentment thing I got going on right now.

9. What was your biggest failure?

The book I did not write. :(


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not really. I had some sort of fluish thing last winter but nothing major.


11. What was the best thing you bought?

My iPhone 4. Love.


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Dude, MINE! I have been very well behaved lately.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


Sarah Palin.


14. Where did most of your money go?

Moving. Twice. And my debts.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My job, and my trip to NYC, about which I will be writing very soon.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

"The House that Built Me" by Miranda Lambert was my favorite song for a long time in 2010.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?

a...way happier.  WAY.
b....FATTER! By probably 5-10 pounds.
c....Richer. ;)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercise (see #17b).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat (see #17b).

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I was with my family for the first Christmas in years.  My niece didn't even wake me up too early! Saw "True Grit" in the afternoon.  It was lovely. :)


21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

No...

22. What was your favorite TV program?

LOST ended well, I thought. Love Glee. Grey's had a great season finale. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.  I can't think of anyone I newly hate. I still hate the people I used to hate, though, pretty much.

24. What was the best book you read?

HP7. Again.


25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hmmm.  Court Yard Hounds, maybe.

26. What did you want and get?

An iPhone 4, that I got up at 4am to have.

27. What did you want and not get?


A winning lottery ticket. An agent and publishing contract for my book (that I didn't write).

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

HP7.  Though it wasn't the best of the Harry Potters, it was my favorite this year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I hit the big 3-6. I went to work. I went to Huey's for dinner with my peeps. I watched the Grey's Anatomy season premiere. Then I went to bed. It was a school night, don't judge me.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Winning lottery ticket... Handsome, rich, smart, funny husband...

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I don't think I had one, honestly. But it was an interesting return to professional clothes and the South. Thoseh two things changed my hair (that was mostly the South), my footwear (professional) and the amount of makeup I wear (both things).

32. What kept you sane?

I'm not sure which thing it was... Geographical, Professional, Spiritual... all things work together for good. :)


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I actually really like Adam Richman on Man vs. Food. :)
.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

DADT repeal. Yay!

35. Who did you miss?

P.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

There is a fella that might be the best new person I met, but it's too soon to say.


37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

You have to let go of one thing, sometimes not knowing what new thing you will find. You just have to believe that it will be there.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"There's a place that I call home, where the streets are paved with soul...
Like a sad old melody; cheers you up and sets you free...
There comes a time when muddy waters run rough
There comes a point when a man has had enough
Like a friend who always stands by me
Memphis knows me, Memphis shows me
How my life just had to be...

I couldn't even try to run away, say goodbye...
All I know is Memphis lives in me."