Crazy

Yesterday I was at the courthouse, getting a client divorced.

It's what I do. Often.  It doesn't take long, when it's uncontested, and all the details have already been ironed out.  It's a matter of a few questions and a Judge's signature. And his whole life is different.

One after another, one party would stand up, testify to how they lived in this county, wanted a divorce, believed their settlement was fair, and that was that. The other person doesn't even have to be there. It's such a short, easy process that is not remotely indicative of what is actually happening under the surface in most cases.

While I waited for my case to be called, I was just struck with the strongest feeling.  I do NOT want to ever be there again.  Of course, duh, nobody sits and thinks how she can't wait for her next divorce, but I had this gripping feeling in my chest, I really, REALLY do not want to ever have to go through that again.

At least I know I would survive, which I want to tell clients sometimes, but they don't really believe me.  Come at me with what you will, I know there is truly no shit in the world you can throw in my path that I can't climb over.  But sweet Lord I don't want to. 

If you have read here before, you know that my two divorces were not shockers.  I can site multiple examples of pre-wedding instances that should have caused me to run the other direction. I have not done so completely here, because it's mortifying and ridiculous and I'm ashamed of it. 

So I look at Fella with a critical eye. And despite the stomach churning I feel when I think of getting divorced again, I don't fear moving forward with him. The flags are green.  It's a good decision. When I approach it from an entirely non-romantic perspective it makes sense, which is a test neither of my previous marriages would pass. I spent last week in Mexico with P talking about it- Us both trying to figure out what's wrong with the idea, and not really coming up with anything, other than my bad decision-making in the past and the accelerated speed he and I have reached this level of discussion.

Yesterday after court I coincidentally had an appointment with my therapist and I told her how I was taken aback by the feeling that morning.  And how desperately I want to avoid that hurt. And how yet I still want to get married again.  And I asked her the question you're probably asking yourself about me right now. "Am I CRAZY?" 

And she said no.

And then she said, "well, you're crazy, but that's not why."

;)