Monday, June 27, 2011


Sometimes I think about something, or something happens, or I hear some news about something or someone from the past. And I wonder how my ex would react if he heard. Especially when that piece of news would finish a story that started back when we were together.

When that happens, a thought flashes across my mind that I miss him. But the idea of missing him makes me want to vomit.

In fact I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.

And I realize now that the person I want to tell, the person I want to talk to about it, the person I sometimes miss...

Doesn't exist. And never did.

"You'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be" is a line from a Chely Wright song I loved years ago. And now I understand it. And that is whom I miss. The imaginary, nonexistent, man in my head. The man my ex wasn't, didn't want to be, couldn't have been if he tried.

And even though he was never real... sometimes, I miss him.


Desert Songbird said...

I think that's normal. I've been divorced from my ex since 1988, and there are STILL times I miss the man I thought he was. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just accept that it IS and then move on.

Keenie Beanie said...

Profound thought. Though I too have an ex, we parted amicably and are still in sporadic touch. Seeing the man he is today disabuses me of missing the man I thought he was.

I hope the presence of Fella in your life goes some distance to filling a hole in your heart. Lord knows, my husband drives me insane at times and I love him to bits for the rest of it. That keeps me fairly distracted from missing what might have been.