Conversations with P, my therapist, and my sister have led me to realize that I have no idea how to tell what's the difference between an adult, healthy relationship-- and just settling.
In my adult life, I've not had a relationship (until now) in which I was the pursued, not the pursuer. I've never felt secure in myself enough to sit back and let the guy do the work. I've always had this desperation thing going on, this neediness, that resulted in crazy intense feelings and the conviction that I REQUIRED this person in order to continue my life.
Obviously, I didn't require anyone, because those someones are all gone and I'm quite fine, thank you.
So now I don't feel that way. I like Fella. When he's not around, I'm thinking about him. When something happens, I want to tell him about it. There are a lot of really good things about him, reasons he's awesome- and a big one is that he thinks I'm awesome. But... I don't have that feeling- that crazy intense, desperate, all-encompassing NEED to be with him all the time. In fact, sometimes I prefer to be alone. Sometimes he gets on my nerves. I'm quite certain sometimes I get on his, and I don't bend over backwards to prevent it.
People keep telling me that this is a mature, adult, healthy way to feel. That this is what it's supposed to be like. But how the hell would I know.
4 comments:
I guess it will take some time before it feels normal not to feel desperate.
OK Sadie....see how the other ones turned out?
I'd say different is a good thing!
Love your blog! Been reading some of the past entries. I can't remember exactly how I found it, but I love it. I'm a non-practicing attorney (for the most part anyway, I do a small case here and there) getting ready to change careers. Anyway, I've got you bookmarked and I look forward to reading more.
Oh, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie. I could write VOLUMES about this, because I also felt this way about 22 years ago. I pursued and caught the bad boys, the gorgeous hunks, the womanizers, the tough guys. I caught them, used them, and then couldn't understand why the relationship didn't turn out. THEN I met the nice guy. The one that wasn't the best looking one, the most pursued one, the stable one with the normal family. And I wondered if I was settling. A friend of mine told me, "What's wrong with normal? You deserve it." So, I took a chance, and I married him.
We're celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. It hasn't always been exciting; at times it's boring, exasperating, and challenging, but we're both in it for the long haul. We love each other, we respect each other, and we're devoted to our family. It works.
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