Challenging

I am already seriously faltering with the Man-torium, and it's only Day 23 out of 180.  This whole idea goes against my nature so completely. Of course, that's why I need to do it.  But I do. Not. Like it.

A few months ago, T mentioned to me a guy he worked with as a potential date. I didn't bother to meet him for two reasons.  1) I didn't really think T would know me well enough to suggest an actual good match, and 2) He has the same first name as my first husband, which was just weird. 

So the other day I met him, not through T, just through coincidence.  And oh my.  He's cute. He's tall. He's really nice.  And immediately I began the thought process... how can I see him again? When does T work with him next to start planting seeds of how awesome I am?  Should I call him?  He was mildly flirtatious when we met, is that just how he is with people or did he like me? Was that he who called my phone but didn't leave a message? Blah, blah, blah, fishcakes.

P, under the defense of "helping me with my own goal," said that this is why I need to do the man-itorium (she's correct, of course), and got a chance to vocalize all the things about the "way I get" that get on her nerves.  She is my opposite, and because the way she gets doesn't come close to matching with the way I get, she doesn't understand at all.  For example, every guy that I have dated since I was about 19, I have imagined marrying. Honestly.  I didn't plan weddings or name children or buy bride magazines, but I always picture what it would be like to be married to that person.  With EVERY GUY I'VE DATED, or even thought about dating.  She has only, ever, imagined marrying T.  She's had a few long term relationships, but she never got to that point.  My pattern is unfathomable to her. And apparently irritating. I know she has my best interest at heart, but I'd like to see her give up sex for six months...

If this guy asks me out (a big if, because he's dating someone. Not seriously, but still), I know good and well that I will say yes.  But I'm trying not to pursue him.

And I'm running out of synonyms for "difficult" to be post titles.  I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot more of them...

Gay

You know what makes it easy to stop thinking about all my attractive male customers as possible dates?

No, it's not my Man-itorium.

It's Gay Ski Week.

Bored

Oh my sweet Lord, I am bored.

I go to work (which is slow right now and therefore boring, but I am getting lots of reading done). I come home. I watch TV, I read, I go to sleep. Repeat x 5, then insert 2 days of napping and more TV and reading.

Bored.

Due to the boredom, I have started hitting the library pretty hard which is nice. In the past few weeks I've read Dooce's book, part of a book about WWI (couldn't finish it), The Lovely Bones, one about Catherine the Great, Remember Me? (chick lit), and am now working on Infinite Possibilities, by the guy that writes the Notes from the Universe (in my sidebar). I love that I can find a book through the online catalog at any library in the region and they will deliver it to my library for me to pick up. I have quite a list of books in my phone that I want to read. If you have any suggestions, please leave them for me!

Last week I started two exercise classes, one is yoga and one is core strength/stretching, each one day a week. They're both really good and I enjoy them, and I truly need them-- especially the core strength. But still it's not all that exciting. I'm hoping the classes will inspire me to exercise on the other five days of the week, at least do my yoga DVD at home that is not very taxing and only 20 minutes. For heaven's sake, I have a Wii Fit that doesn't get much use (this is because it's not a group activity and I'm not often alone). And an exercise bike. And a trip to Vegas in forty-four days for which I would like to lose some weight so I can wear my flirty cocktail dresses. Even though I can't flirt in them.

But this weekend is a big one-- I'm going to watch as many episodes from last season's LOST as I can, in preparation for the new season that starts on February 2. It might take a while, because every time Sawyer is shirtless I have to rewind and watch it at least thrice.

I know. I'm wild and crazy. Don't look now, but I might also clean my closet. I know, too much, right?

Uneventful

So last Sunday was a difficult day for me. I went skiing with P and ran into a guy that I have been attracted to for a while. We barely know each other, but it took everything I have not to shamelessly flirt with him. It even crossed my mind to invite him to Denver with us (me, P and Todd) the next day to car shop for P. I didn't. But I wanted to. And not only that, but everywhere I looked there was another good looking man at whom I wanted to bat my eyelashes. It was a rough day.

However, other than that day? Not too much has been happening. I'm still noticing the cuties, I'm still checking left ring fingers. But I'm trying not to notice whether they notice me. It takes a lot of pressure off me to know that whether they ask me out or not, I can't go. So I don't have to TRY to make them ask me out. It's a little liberating. But not completely quite yet, I still have to remind myself of it. But it's only day 15...

There is a trip to Vegas looming. We're going in March for P's birthday... Fortunately, there will be other single women traveling with us so I won't feel like the odd woman out. But Vegas? With no flirting? Really? Sigh.

Trouble

Dear Cute Guy on the bus that is staring at me: please stop staring.
Or being cute. This man-itorium ain't easy.

Chemistry

The other day I mentioned a man with whom I had more chemistry than should be possible.

He worked at the golf club with me, as a fishing guide. P mentioned him to me first, as he worked in the same department as her boyfriend Todd. She referred to him as "the hot fishing guide." At that point I had not noticed him, and looking back I don't know how that's possible, because he insists we had seen each other before.

One day I was riding in a golf cart down to my car, when he passed the other direction in a cart of his own. The woman with whom I was riding waved to him (she worked with him and Todd). I asked her his name, and she told me it was Jake.

That night I was home, doing nothing exciting, when P called from the bar where she worked a second job and asked me to come visit. It was slow and she was bored. Seeing as I'm not the type of girl to turn down an opportunity for nachos, I obliged. Sitting at the bar, eating my nachos, watching ESPN, I was totally in my own world when I heard someone call my name.

I glanced over and saw two guys sitting together at a table. The one that had called out to me looked vaguely familiar, but I knew he also worked at the club. He knew my name, but I couldn't remember his. He invited me to join them and so I did. I sat down across from the other man, and that's when I realized it was Jake. And "hot fishing guide" is an understatement.

I still cannot quite figure out what it was about his eyes, but they were piercing. His naturally olive skin tanned from all the fishing, his perfectly straight teeth sparkled when he smiled. His smile... was amazing. And turned my entire body to jello. And his curls. Oh sweet Lord, his dark curly hair.

He loved my Southern accent, which immediately intensified. P and Todd joined us, and the original guy who knew me left. We talked at that table for hours, with him looking into my eyes while the conversation was happening around us.

I can't say I'm exactly sure how he ended up following me home that night. I do remember crashing my ex-husband's truck into a low brick wall in the parking lot because I was driving, with no lights on, while texting P frantically that he was coming home with me. And that was that.

We spent the summer having phone conversations for hours (and I HATE the phone, I truly do), laughing, and (apologies to my Mom and sister) ripping each other's clothes off. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

My ex and I had JUST split, and he had just broken up with a long-term girlfriend. We didn't plan the future. We didn't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. In fact, at work, we didn't expose our relationship, although it didn't take long for everyone to know it. It was enough for someone to see the smile on my face when he walked past my desk, much less if he had time to stop and talk. He took me fishing. I watched him tie flies for hours. He cooked me dinner. I helped him plan his own shop.

He loves to fish. More than I love doing ANYTHING. I was so envious of that- his complete and secure knowledge of what he was born to do. Watching him teach people to fish was endearing, and watching him wrestle a huge trout of the river was oddly, unbelievably, sexy. But watching someone do something they love to do, and something they do very well... that's hot, right? Anyway.

Jake was hot. He made me feel hot. It was, in a word, hot.

And then the summer ended, and I knew he would be leaving. He spends the winter in another place. We didn't discuss what would happen. And he was gone.

We talked on the phone, we texted... and then it faded away. I hadn't heard from him in about a month when a co-worker mentioned to me that he'd received an invitation to Jake's wedding.

He had reunited with the old girlfriend and they had decided to immediately get married (and are now expecting a baby). He came to town and told me himself a week later. A friend that attended the wedding gave me all the details, and though I did not expect to, I cried. We've tried to be friends since, he was back this summer. It just doesn't work. I can't do it. I can't be in his physical presence without wanting to touch him. And our conversations tend to turn to reminiscing into old times, which is not something I want to talk about with him...

So that's that. That chapter is closed. But now, I'm dangerous. I know that type of chemistry is out there. And I will find it again.

Five

It's Day Five of my Man-itorium. And it's easy. So far.

I am still checking ring fingers... then I remind myself that I don't care. I see a cute guy smiling at me and still reach up to straighten my bangs before I remember that I don't care. I thought about wearing my cuter, but less comfortable boots this morning... then I thought about how I don't care. I can dress warmly to ski with less concern about looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy because, you guessed it, I don't care! A nice looking guy just struck up a conversation with me while I was getting a drink at work... and I chatted. But I didn't care.

Okay, I totally did care, but I'm telling myself I shouldn't. I might still look him up in my computer to see how old he is and where he's from (he's a fellow employee). But I swear, then I will proceed to not care.

No major revelations or self-discoveries so far. But I do have 175 days to go.

P.S. He's 27. :)