Catharsis

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and votes on my previous entry. Based on the response, as well as the way I felt after writing it, I'm considering writing a series of posts to finish the story. Well, really, to start it, since that was the end.

Of course, I'll have to come up with an appropriate title... Crystal has The Crazy Chronicles, Pioneer Woman has Black Heels to Tractor Wheels, The Girl Who has Mormon to Married in Manhattan...

Although the title of this blog itself kinda covers it...

Ending

And I don't know,
This could break my heart or save me.
Nothing's real
until you let go completely...

And I don't know,
I could crash and burn, but maybe
At the end of this road
I might catch a glimpse of me...

Kelly Clarkson, "Sober"

I'm pulling out of the driveway on a Saturday morning, on my way to work, when my husband sticks his head out of the front door. He hollers for me to take his truck to work that day, as he wants to take mine to get a much-needed oil change. That's nice of him, I think. Considering.

For the past few days we have been trying to work out a time to Talk. I was unexpectedly called into work last night and we'd had to reschedule for tonight. I dread it. Our "talks" to date have been less than satisfying, always ending when neither of us can pull the trigger and say it's over. It's been a year and a half of aruging about it... and then pretending everything would be fine, him telling me he'd end it with her, me pretending to believe him. Our marriage has been a disaster, but something-- fear, insecurity, inertia-- has kept me in it. I don't know why he hasn't left yet, but he's always only said he wants to be with me. He's never once said he wants to leave me. Never once said he wants to be with her. Why should he, really. He's having his cake and eating her too.

Ahem.

After my shift ends I'm heading back home. Tired. Nervous. Wondering if I, if either of us, will have the guts to say what we both know needs to be said. We've run this thing, this marriage, into the ground and there's no saving it now. It's too late to quit while we're ahead, but at least we can quit while we're still breathing. At the same time... I don't know how to end it. Not only do I not know how to tell him it's over, I don't know how to tell my family and friends that I've been lying to them for so long every time I didn't say how things really were. I especially don't know how to walk away after I've put up with so much for so long... I feel it's like staying in a fight til the tenth round only to give up.

When I round the corner and the house is in sight, I see that my truck is not in the driveway. "Bastard." I mumble. "He's at the gym or something." Or more likely, he's with her... either way, it's not the plan.

I push my way through the door to the greetings of the dog. But something is weird. Something is off. Something is definitely not right.

I immediately notice the absence of the painting that faces the front door. I glance to my right and two chairs and a small table are missing. As I look around, I realize that at least half of our belongings are gone. In the time it took me to work one eight-hour shift, he has packed half of our house AND moved it out without a trace.

I look, but I don't find a note.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! No Talk. Nothing. No fight. No yelling, screaming, cussing. Just emptiness.

I wander around the house, noticing which things he's taken. I leave him a voice mail (he doesn't answer his phone, the chicken shit) listing the things that he needs to return. The Christmas movies and Grey's Anatomy DVDs. My Pampered Chef cookware I owned before our marriage. The dressing table my step-father built for me. Anything else I think I have to right to bitch about (it's only later, at bedtime, I realize he has taken the only tube of toothpaste).

Few tears come. Mostly I feel incredible relief. The long charade is over. The lies can stop. The fear I had that I wouldn't be strong enough to walk away is eased; he has saved me the trouble.

I kiss the dog and get back into his truck (which has significantly higher payments and will later be traded back for my own when he is feeling guilty) and drive back to the club where I work. I walk in the door to the surprise of my friend who has the evening shift.

"Why are you back?" she asks.

And that is the first time I say it. The first time I acknowledge it the words that have been floating close to the surface since I walked in my front door. The first time I put out there in reality the true factual state of my marriage. Most importantly, it's the first time I realize that I am grateful for the truth of the words.

"My husband. He left me."


[This post is an entry in a contest... Meander over here for details and to vote! Only one vote per IP address, please and thank you.]

Fresh

Let me know what you think of the new winter template. I'm a little bit in love with it. I picked it up (for free, awesome) over at Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates. She has several free ones and also some for $5, the money goes to help with their adoption, so if you're looking for something new check it out.

A side note: my almost-former job is at the base of a mountain (like, I can see the ski lift from where I type this) and they've been making snow there. It's really odd to look out the back windows and see tons of snow, while in the front there's very little. It's just confusing to my brain.

Blocked

I'm not participating in NaBloPoMo, but I did decide I would try to blog with more regularity. I think I've said that before. But then I get here, and I want to write something... but I don't know what. So I'll just do a little quick update thing. Sorry I'm not all that entertaining... I'm workin on it.

I could update you on the guy... the one over whom I chose Mark Harmon and couch time. He emails me. A lot. Even though I don't respond. I think it's a good idea I didn't see him, it could only have been worse. He's tapering off his contact though, I think he'll get the picture soon. One would hope.

I have a new roommate. We'll call him... Todd. Todd is Pebbles' boyfriend. It's the first time I've lived with a man to whom I wasn't married. It's weird b/c I'm accustomed to wandering around naked-ish. And I haven't bothered to close my bedroom door when I change clothes in a while. So it's new. Other than that, it's going swimmingly. He's been cooking, taking out the trash, and doing more than his fair share of dog duty. Of course, now he's started his winter job, so I'm sure I won't be able to slack off in that area for that much longer. Plus, he likes a lot of the same TV shows that I do (including NCIS, score!) and buys beer on occasion. He'll be working on a different mountain than I, so he's going to keep his eyes open for guys for to not date. :) What more could I ask for?

Tiger basketball has begun. And last night we only lost by 2 to the number 1 ranked Kansas. We are unranked. And unexpected. And I'm excited about the prospects for a new team with a new coach.

That sums things up for today... I appreciate your patience while I get back into the swing of regular blogging!

Validation

Today I walked in to enjoy one of my last days at my current job before moving on, and was met with some news. There was a new development here. They've been looking for a new Manager, and they'd found one. He started yesterday. And I know him.

And now I am more sure than ever that the decision to leave was the right one.

Here's to new beginnings!

Neglect

How have we managed to get to almost Thanksgiving without me discussing TELEVISION???

Good gravy, folks. This is highly unusual.

I guess though I haven't adopted that many new shows this season, and if anything I've been paring down on regular TV. As you may have noticed (ahem) I have (re) discovered NCIS. Repeats air on ION, USA, and Sleuth. So I'm always a-watchin' NCIS. In fact, I'm renting season 3 from Netflix. I do love Mark Harmon. Always have. I'm also catching up with Criminal Minds, a show I've always liked. As you can tell, I do love a detective show. I'm also a fan of the real detective shows like 48 Hours, Dateline Mystery, etc.

As for "real" TV, I still watch Grey's Anatomy faithfully. And Brothers & Sisters. And Private Practice, Biggest Loser, So You Think You Can Dance, CSI, Mentalist, Lie to Me... But the best and favorite of all is...

GLEE.



Love it.

I love Sue Sylvester. Wanted to be her for Halloween but I couldn't find a short blonde wig.

Every week it makes me wish that I was back in high school. At a school with a glee club. Like that one.

Actually I more wish for a grown up glee club that I could join. Immediately.

I love this show.

Gypsy

Guess what?

New job time!

For multiple reasons, I have decided to leave my current job for a new one. I will be spending every day working on one of our mountains, running a little ski shop. I'm excited. I'll be working for the strongest company in this area, and that's comforting given the upheaval that's been happening here. I'll also not have to work nights. And there's no beating the scenery from the top of the mountain. It's more responsibility than my current job, which makes me more invested in it. And yada yada yada... did I mention the view?

I figure that if at some point in the next year I decide it's time to abandon fantasy world and move back to reality, I should, in the meantime, make the most of my location.

Plus, you never know. Maybe it'll be the perfect job for me. Might as well keep hunting for it.

Wow

So a few days ago I had a thought. I was thinking about where I am in my life, where I've been, where I'm going, blah blah blah. And I realized. Three short years ago, I was working as an attorney. I owned my house. And I was married to a man I thought was good and true (all that came crashing down on November 12, 2006; so I still had two days of ignorance). I never would have guessed that all three things would be gone now.

I also would never have guessed it would be the house I missed the most.

edited to add: I was technically unemployed three years ago today (by a few days), but did find a job lawyering, so technically I still considered myself an attorney. To clarify.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Dilemma

Okay.

So, I'm still not looking for a boyfriend. But...

There's a guy that I went out with a couple times in September. And he keeps asking me out. We've discussed the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship. He's not really either. and he's funny and I'd probably have an okay time. So I could go out, get some free dinner, a few adult beverages, and naked time. Pebbles and her boyfriend will be out of town, so I'll have the apartment to myself.

But would I rather stay home on my couch with the dogs and watch NCIS? Possibly.

Naked time vs. Mark Harmon.

It's a tough decision.

Identity

I'm wondering...

Should I keep blogging anonymously? The very few readers I still have at this point all know my real name anyway. I'm feeling split--I comment on blogs as Sadie, so I can link here. I twitter with my real name. I blog as Sadie. I'm on Facebook with my real name. I just joined Dooce's community website as Sadie, but then was torn about it because I didn't know whether to use my real name and link my account there to Twitter, or link it to this blog and call myself Sadie.

Sadie does have a Twitter account. But she doesn't use it.

I'm tempted to just go with my real name, but one of the purposes of Sadie in the first place was to prevent being found by people that I didn't want to know about this blog. And that could still come in handy.

Sigh. Indecisive.