Interesting Inspiration

So. This morning I read this post on one of my favorite blogs, Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper.

And it made me wonder. Not that my situation and Crystal's are the same, they are quite different... but it was similar enough to make me think... Back when my life was a ruckus... when my (now ex) husband was having an affair... should I have posted about it?

I'll tell you why I didn't... My mother and sister read my blog, and I didn't want them to know what was going on (I didn't want them to hate him, in case he and I worked it out). Also, I knew that my husband's girlfriend and her friends read this blog, and I didn't want to feed them any information. About my marriage, my life, my self. I got a few mean nasty comments from them on unrelated posts, so I figured that anything I wrote about the affair wouldn't have been taken well. And the last thing I needed at the time was to be attacked. I found myself writing posts with the intent of showing that they weren't getting to me. That's why I started a "secret" blog at one point... to try to maintain my ability to truthfully blog. But along the way I lost the love of blogging... it had just become tainted.

Later I wished I had told the truth... maybe if the girlfriend and I had shared information, even if only by her reading my blog, he would have gotten away with less bullshit along the way. Maybe not, but maybe I would have felt more like a strong woman instead of an emotionally abused victim.

By the way... VERY few people knew what was happening with me. I did not tell my family, or even my VERY BEST FRIEND (who was also getting "weird" comments and had no idea why). So the only people that really knew were HER friends. I told a few people on an message board I visited every day, and one work friend, and it probably saved my sanity. Now, of course, everybody knows. Many people are still flummoxed about why I stayed so long, why I put up with so much. And I don't have a good answer for that. Or much of an answer at all.

I'm not going to get into details about it now. It's all past... She and I have forged a relationship of a sort. She has apologized to me, and I told her that what happened wasn't okay, would never be okay, but I accepted her apology. But I did want to talk about what I was feeling TODAY. I'm going to try to get back into that habit. Blogging was so much fun, and I want it to be again.

Meme

Borrowed from Desert Songbird:

 

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you lay in a bed with? Chad

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat? a Nepalese place

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Gosh, it has been a while. I had beer on Fourth of July.

4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips? To do what?

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law? Law-- but the law school kind, not the real-life kind.

6. Best kind of pizza? Pepperoni and artichoke hearts. For some reason.

7. What is in store for your future? If only I knew.

8. Who was the last band you saw live? Marc Broussard's.

9. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick? I would.

10. How many songs are on your iPod? 545

11. Where is the last place you drove to? work

12. Where did your last kiss take place? I kissed Max this morning in the kitchen.

13. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night? Sleeping.

14. Are you a quitter? Depends on the situation, but generally I'm a hang-in-despite-the-obvious-need-to-quit person.

15. Who was the last person you had in your house? The last person I "had?" I'm going to assume you mean the last guest I had at my house, and that was Miss Kate Korn.

15. What do you think about people who party a lot? Good for them.

16. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Rarely. I can talk about sex with anyone except my sister or my mother. And with them I can discuss sex in general.

17. What was the last CD you purchased? The last CD I downloaded in full was Daughtry's "Leave this Town."

18. What are two bands or singers that you will always love? Good question... Hmmm. I dunno.

19. Which of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of? All of them, I'm sure. Sloth being my favorite.

20. How is your last ex doing? Ex as in someone I dated or someone I married? The last ex I married is back in Memphis (look out, ladies) but I don't know how he is. The last ex I dated is, as far as I can tell from FB, fine.

Life goes on...

So I'm doing ok.

I took a job back in the hospitality world. It's not bad, actually, but it doesn't pay enough. I'm realizing it might be time to say goodbye to this beautiful place I live. It comes down to a decision... do I want to work two jobs to be able to just pay my bills? No, I don't... If I had no debt I'd be fine. But as you know, that is not my situation. I have debt. Significantly. And I'm tired of it.

It's hard to imagine leaving, and it makes me sad to think about it. I can't really quantify what it is that makes me love it here so much. I have great friends, but I have great friends (and fam) in Memphis and Nashville and Charlotte too. It is beautiful. Every day I think about how beautiful it is. I haven't gotten used to it yet. I love that outside my backdoor I can see snow-capped mountains. I love that it snows on Christmas. I love that it snows all winter! I love that the high temperatures right now (in JULY!!) are in the 80s. I love that there's low humidity. I love that the skies are bluer here than anywhere I've ever seen. I love that the stars twinkle-- I'd never seen actual twinkling stars before. And so many stars! More than I saw (even in the country) in Tennessee. I even love that there are bears at the door of this hotel at night. I love that most people I know here are from somewhere else-- they have all chosen to be here for various reasons, and they all love it too. Many are like me- had a "real job" out in "the world." Cause this isn't the real world. It's not all fun and games, obviously. We work. Lots of people work more than one job. But here, most people's job is a means to an end. It's secondary; it's not their identity (this excludes ski instructors, rafting guides, etc).

What don't I love about it? I don't love that my half of the rent for our apartment is more than the entire rent for a very similar apartment I had in Chattanooga only 5 years ago. I don't love that gas for my car costs $3/gallon. I don't love that the only affordable shopping is 30 minutes away, and that's Target or the Gap (the Gap not really affordable for me at the moment). Old Navy is 2 hours away. A real mall is further. Although, that's probably better for my wallet.

This is why I have to consider leaving. For purely financial reasons. It is time for me to decide whether I can continue to live in this non-real world. Whether living paycheck to paycheck and barely making a dent in my debt is worth the fantasy. It seems like an easy decision on the surface-- no way, financial security is more important. But once I dig deeper, it's not so easy. Would I be happy in the real world? What's more important: financial peace or the peace of the mountains? Is there truly any "real" job that will make me happy enough to balance the loss I will feel from leaving here? Is there a way to find the financial peace here, so I can have it all? Would I lose what I love about the place if I was working the at least two jobs it would take to do so?

Grrr. So many questions... and I have no answers.

For the moment, here's my plan: I'm looking. I'm looking for jobs in Denver, Memphis, Nashville, and Charlotte. If I find one, I'll make a decision. There is one job in Nashville that I think would actually be a perfect fit for me, if I'm offered that position it will be easy... In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my time here and try to find a way to make it work.

I hate that I'm always a mess. I'm always up in the air. My life has been such a disaster for such a long time, and just when I thought I was getting my shit together it fell apart again. I know that in all likelihood, it's for the best. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm starting to think that my lack of continuity here means I'm not supposed to stay... But I do think I'm in need of this t-shirt.

Down

Sigh.

Can you see down here? Waving to you? No, down HERE... in the dumps.

Let's see... what's been happening in my life.

Max came to live with me, which was a very happy occasion.

I went to Las Vegas for the first time! Had a girls' weekend with some friends I hadn't seen in two years... I had such a good time. I laughed and laughed all weekend... til my face and my sides ached. I didn't gamble a penny, but I ate GREAT food. We sang and talked and giggled and danced. It was really an amazing time.

The next Monday when I returned to the office, I was let go. So much for a return to lawyering. I was stunned, but didn't have much time to really think about it because the next day I was having a houseguest arrive from Tennessee.

The houseguest was an old, old friend of mine from college. We dated then, and never really had an angry breakup or anything. Over the years we'd stayed in touch, but never were single at the same time and we never tried to take things further. Until now. We started talking, and decided we'd give this thing a shot... The loss of my job threw a bit of a curve into the plan for a care-free week, but we still had a relaxing visit. But... we're not so much giving it a shot anymore. And that's another story that may or may not see another day.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing. In any area of my life. I got offered a hospitality job, but it doesn't pay enough for me to do much more than survive, given my rather large debt payments. I love this place I live... but I don't know how I can possibility afford to stay here. On the other hand, it's not like a job is easy to find anywhere else.

I have a lease here, and a roommate whom I do not wish to abandon or screw over. I have a law degree not being put to use. I have a pile of debt that makes me sick. I'm never going to make a dent in it if I don't find a job that pays better than I'll likely find here. I want to get my shit together, pay off my debt, and try to put a personal life together one of these days. Denver would be my preference right now... I am contacting some firms and recruiters there in an attempt to find something, though no one is very optimistic.

Again I am faced with trying to figure out what I want. And I just don't know. I don't. If anybody else out there has a clue, let me know.