Perfection

I'm reading Perfection by Julie Metz.

Metz had a picture-perfect life until her husband died suddenly.  Afterward, she learned he had cheated through much of their marriage.  I'm only a third of the way through this book, but it's already striking such a chord with me.

Her husband had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He had a constant need for attention.  "Do you still think I'm handsome?" he'd ask.  He sought other women to fulfill the requirement for admiration.  Entitled. Exploitative.  Non-empathetic. 

God, he's my ex-husband.

Never satisfied.  Feeling affront when his specialness goes unrecognized. Jealous of attention paid to pets or friends. Offended when not permitted his own way.  Hurt when taken to task for misdeeds.  Appalled by my lack of compassion when distressed after he fought with his mistress. Disappointed in my lack of forgiveness despite his telling "the truth." Unashamed of lie after lie told in service to his self-image.

It's so much easier to recognize in someone else's husband than it is your own.  Until you look back on it in amazement at your own blindness.

Why

Tell me again. Why am I doing this manitorium?

Is it to prove to myself that I CAN go 180 days without a guy?  Because I know I can.  I've done it before, I'll do it again, it's really not that difficult.  It does give me an excuse to go without a man.  "Sorry, guy I might have gone out with even though I'm not all that interested, I cannot date you, I am in the midst of a manitorium."  However, it's not like this happens a lot.  I can think of exactly twice so far. 

P likes to lecture me on how all I do is obsess about guys and that's why I'm doing this experiment.  Really? Cause, hello, I can still obsess like a champ.  Doesn't take an actual date with a guy to start my mind rolling.  Just because I'm not going to go out with that Hottie doesn't mean I'm not going to think about going out with him.

You know what? I miss kissing. A lot. I like kissing.

You know what else?  This manitorium has become an excuse for me not to put on makeup, do my hair, or care what I'm wearing.    This is nice on occasion, but it also leads to me, in full awareness of my less-than-gorgeousness, feeling less than gorgeous.  Which doesn't BUILD self-esteem at all. 

It does give me time, I suppose.  Time to read. Time to write. Time to watch too much television.  Time to eat Thin Mints. As opposed to what, though? All the sex I'd be having if I weren't doing the manitorium? Yeah, right.  You know what I'd be doing if I weren't on this manitorium?  Reading. Writing. Watching television. And eating Thin Mints.

It'd be nice to think that I'm not dating right now by my own choice, but I honestly would likely not be dating much if I were not doing this.  If anything, it would be occasional.  The only guy that I've met that I would actually have been really interested in is dating someone, so I wouldn't have gone after him anyway. 

I think this manitorium is turning out to be just a fancy word for "dry spell."

Nothing

Nothing. Nothing to blog about. Nothing is happening.

You know, I had an idea I'd write a book about the manitorium.  However, 42 days in, I have to say there would not be much to write.  No major self discovery.  No epiphany.  No aha moment.  Not really.  I know I should wait til the whole thing is over before I give up completely, but the first sixth of experiment has been less than exciting. And I've not had too much trouble, unlike 360, who has been asked out 8 million times since she swore off men.  Bitch. ;)

Speaking of the lovely and talented 360, she will be here TOMORROW.  I can't wait to take her out in Aspen and watch her bat the men folk away with a stick. :)

I'm recovering from some sort of sickness that presented itself as bronchitis, then flu, then sinusitis.  Whatever it was, I'm feeling so much better today.  Not 100% yet, but you know how when you feel really really ill, there comes that moment when you feel just well enough to be happy to be alive again?  And you can move your body without being in pain?  And you can take a deep breath without collapsing in a coughing fit? And you can blow your nose without needing to do so again in three seconds? And you just feel SO GOOD?  Yeah, I'm there.  It's awesome.  My throat is still sore and I sound very much like an old smoker, but I can deal with it.

Games

X Games has come and gone again.

This week I worked my normal job (reminder: on-mountain retail store) then worked evenings at a bar.  The bar was in the hotel where ESPN staffers and athletes stay, right at the base of the mountain where the competition takes place.  It was pretty cool...

Guess what?  I love bartending.  Love. It.

Anyway, I got to do all the flirting I've been holding in since the beginning of the man-itorium, I met some cool people (one of whom may come to be mentioned again, in oh, 147 days- if I make it that long) and I made major money.

I served Gretchen Bleiler and Lindsey Jacobellis (both won gold) drinks. They're purty.

In other news, my friend 360 is coming to visit me!!! We have not seen each other since summer camp in 1992.  And then we didn't communicate for like 16 years.  And then we became FB friends. And now we're total besties AND SHE'S COMING TO VISIT ME.  We're going to spend Valentine's Day together in our man-itorium solidarity...