Riddance

I can't believe it's already the end of 2009.

Everyone's saying that, I know, but I really REALLY mean it. It went kinda fast. And now I'm going to copy a bunch of bloggers I read and give you a list of stuff that happened in my life this year. Talk about a freakin' roller coaster.

1. I started the year freshly divorced and dating. And optimistic! Go me!
2. I got laid off from a job I was about to quit anyway.
3. I went to Aruba.
4. I had bone-shortening surgery
5. I broke up with someone. No really! I! Broke up with someone!
6. I went back to lawyering.
7. The man with whom I've had more chemistry than should be possible got married. I cried.
8. I started talking about a romantic future with an old friend.
9. Max came back to live with me.
10. I went to Vegas with girlfriends that I never get to see.
11. Got fired from the lawyering job.
12. My fish died.
13. The romantic future contemplated in #8 crashed and burned.
14. I went back to working in hospitality and actually enjoyed it...
15. I found out the man from #7 was expecting a baby with his wife. I sighed.
16. I went on a few random dates, some with a friend, some with a new acquaintance.
17. I turned 35.
18. I went to my first Denver Broncos game, they won in overtime. It was fun.
19. I chose NCIS and Mark Harmon over naked time with the new acquaintance.
20. I got a new roommate.
21. I started ANOTHER new job. On a mountain.
22. I found a new cocktail.
23. I saw Martina Navratilova and sold a neck warmer to Lynda Carter.
24. While skiing, witnessed a guy crash, called ski patrol, and hung with him til they carted him away. He had the same name as my ex-husband and I didn't even push him off the mountain.
25. I hurt my back NAPPING (yes it is possible).

So that's my year in review. Fewer life-altering events than 2008, thank the good Lord. I'm ready for 2010, looking forward to all the good things that will come my way. I have to decide by tomorrow if I will join a good friend in an experiment in swearing off men for at least part of the year... Taking the time to figure ME out. I know it's a good idea, but I'm afraid I won't stick to it. We'll see. I still have 14 hours to think about it...

Difficult

The hard part in writing about my marriage and divorce is not sharing what my ex-husband did or how he treated me. The hard part is exposing my response. The fact that I continued to allow it. That I did not pack my bags and leave immediately. Or after a month or two. Or year. Or ever, really. I never did leave. I stayed.

Why?

I can't even begin to answer the question that is most often asked. When I finally began to share the truth with my friends and family, none could understand why I had stayed. Why I didn't demand more respect from him. Why I didn't stand up for myself.

I don't know the answer.

I have a few contributing factors to blame. This was my second marriage, and I didn't want to be twice divorced. I sure as all hell did not want to be twice divorced at 32, which is something I repeated over and over (I made it to 34). That had a bigger effect on me than some might guess-- I was really fearful of being that woman. Another, I suppose, was laziness. Damned if I wanted to go out there and have to find someone new. Loneliness, too. Especially after we moved out here to Colorado. At the time, I did have friends, but not really good ones. I was terrified that I would be completely alone. ALONE. Alone, alone, alone. I was like Jerry Maguire. Interestingly, this did not become a problem because when he left I found myself taken in by a new circle of friends that are my family now.

I have a pattern of staying with men that give me less than I desserve, mostly because I'd rather that than being alone. I think I've finally learned my lesson on that one. But we'll see.

Eve

The Christmas Wish
by John Denver

I don't know if you believe in Christmas
Or if you have presents underneath the Christmas tree
But if you believe in love
That will be more than enough
For you to come and celebrate with me

For I have held the precious gift that love brings
Even though I never saw a Christmas star
I know there is a light
I have felt it burn inside
And I have seen it shining from afar

Christmas is a time to come together
A time to put all differences aside
And I reach out my hand
To the family of man
To share the joy I feel at Christmastime

For the truth that binds us all together
I would like to say a simple prayer
That at this precious time
You will have true peace of mind
And love to last throughout the coming year

And if you believe in love
That will be enough
For peace to last throughout the coming year

And peace on Earth will last thoughout the year...

Treading

Life feels like I'm treading water lately. I know, I blog about this a lot. But I have yet to get myself figured out and I do that here.

I'm waiting, always waiting, for something to happen. Right now I'm waiting to find out whether Plan A(which I haven't told you about yet, but I will, probably) will come to fruition. If not, what will I do then? What's Plan B? Will I commit to a life here, being a former lawyer forever? Will the life I have here ever feel like reality? If I leave, will I ever be as comfortable as I am here? This place, that for unknown reasons, has made itself home to me... I'll never understand why. It's completely unlike Memphis, the home I grew up in, the home I loved, and yet I am completely home here.

I think the situation is this: if I'm going to work a crappy paying job, not have any money, and live paycheck to paycheck, I want to do it here. Here, I have other things that make my soul happy. Like my daily gondola ride, the fifteen minutes of peace and beauty. It sounds cheesy, but every day I am amazed at what I get to see as the sun comes up over the mountains onto the snow. The communal acceptance (especially in the company I work for now)-- nobody cares who you were in your "previous life," in the "real world." Or cares that you're running away from it. Or that you have no clue who you are. Come figure it out with us. Nobody's judgmental. Everybody goes with the flow and you're welcome to ride along.

On the other hand, I could do it nearer my family, and that would make me happy too. But there's something about being here, where nobody cares that I used to have a real job, and doesn't bug me about why I don't anymore.

Or I could move near my family and try to get back into lawyering. I just don't think it'll be easy at this point, particularly given the economy and the state of the legal job market (it ain't good, in case you didn't know).

But. I don't like the waiting feeling. I want to live life, not wait for it. I want to make a decision, make a goal, and go after it. If it's not Plan A, then time to formulate Plan B.

And as soon as I find out whether Plan A is happening, I'll do just that.

Aftermath

This post is an entry in The Great Experiment. If you're so inclined, please visit The Girl Who to place your vote by leaving a comment there. You can vote til Saturday and you may vote ONCE per computer. Thanks!

Continued from this entry...

And there you are on your knees

Begging for forgiveness, begging for me

Just like I always wanted

But I'm so sorry...

I'm not a princess.

This ain't a fairy tale.

I'm gonna find someone someday

Who might actually treat me well...

--Taylor Swift, "White Horse"

So it was over.

After nineteen months of refusing to give up and walk away, he had done it for me. I had held on by the tips of my fingertips for so long... my immediate reaction was relief.

And then anger.

P, because she is a good friend, immediately took over. She took me to her apartment, dressed me up in a boob shirt, and took me to Aspen to shake my booty. We were hanging out with a bunch of guys from the golf club where we worked, and they, being caddies, were flush with the cash heaped upon them by rich golfers. We drank, we danced...

And then there was the desperation.

What was I doing? I don't know how to do this! I snuck away to find a quiet corner to call my husband. He, of course, was at her house. But he wasn't sure he had done the right thing. He wanted to come home.

"Come get me," I said. "We'll talk about it."

But no. He was mad at me for being out (and not sitting at home, crying and waiting, I suppose). And something in that attitude finally (FINALLY!) flipped a switch in my brain. And I realized... that I most certainly DO know how to do this.

And I did. I knew how to dance, and flirt, and accept drinks from cute guys. I also apparently remembered how to make out in a back seat. And the front seat. Of my husband's truck (note to ex-husband if he's reading: I actually had sex in your truck four times before I gave it back to you. You're welcome for that piece of information).

A week later, he came to the house that had been ours to help me complete my move out. He had on his sad face. He boxed and cleaned and looked at me with hangdog eyes. He begged. He said he was wrong. He wanted me back. There was nothing he wouldn't do to get me back. I should give him another chance. I started to feel bad. I wasn't giving in, but I did feel sorry for him.

And then, while taking a load to the car, I saw her. Sitting in the truck. Waiting for him. He had brought her along, and she was outside waiting for him while he groveled for forgiveness.

I laughed. Out loud. He was unbelievable.

But there were more conversations. He continued asking for more chances. He left presents, one a week, on my doorstep (which creeped out my roommate to no end). He called. We met for lunch and he cried. He made promises. And when I told him I'd consider it if he'd 1) move out of her house (hello!) and 2) get counseling, I knew that neither would happen.

And it didn't.

Tip

Even though root beer with vanilla vodka is downright delicious, you should not drink too much too fast, especially if you are not used to drinking liquor. It's possible that you may get very drunk and act like an idiot.

Trust me.

Stolen

Stolen from Sunday Stealing.

Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Only b/c he is very far away.

When is it hard to kiss someone?
I don't know, when they're yucky?

You're trapped in a room with your most recent ex for three days, what do you do?
Define "ex." If ex = last person I kissed, then fun would be had. If ex = last official boyfriend, it would be a bit awkward, but we'd be fine after a little while. If ex = last almost boyfriend, we'd fight. I'm pissed at him. If ex = former husband? Oh Lord.

Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes?
Yes, I don't like smoking. Although both the last person I kissed and the last almost boyfriend smoke. Interesting.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
No. Not in the long run.

Where would you go if you were butt naked and locked out of your house?
My neighbor Linda's. I'm wondering at this point why I'm outside while butt naked though.

Do you want to please everyone?
Yep. Although, I'm not as bad about this as I once was.

Have you ever been called heartless?
Not that I know of.

Someone calls you at 3:00 AM, who do you expect it to be?
Pebbles.

Does it matter if your significant other drinks?
Only the amount/frequency.

Could you go the rest of your life without doing drugs?
Quite easily.

Which is better, amazing eyes or an amazing smile?
Smile.

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
I don't even know.

Are you easy to get along with?
Pretty much.

Do you ever want to go to sleep and not wake up?
No.

Are you shorter than your Mom?
I've been taller than my mother since sixth grade.

Describe your life currently in one word:
Limbo-ish

Are you on medication for anything?
Yes.

Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day?
I'm not sure I'd let anyone, actually. If I HAD to, it'd be P, she knows most everything anyway.

Are there things in your life that you will never be able to get over?
I think so.

If you woke up naked next to the last person you kissed, what would your reaction be?
I'd be sad I couldn't remember the circumstances of getting naked.

Beginning

My memory is cruel

I'm queen of attention to details

Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name

It sounded familiar in a way

I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times

If only I had been listening

-Sara Bareilles, "Between the Lines"

It all started with a text message.

It was October. I was standing next to him while he was looking at his phone, and saw a text that said "I miss you." I wasn't snooping- had no reason to. Just happened to be there. I asked him about it, and he said some of the women he worked with were out that night, and they were just messing with him. What a horrible cover. Anyway, I took that story for the truth for the moment, but the hairs on the back of neck sure didn't believe it. They were standing at attention from that moment forward.

Things weren't even weird between us at the time. Everything seemed perfectly normal to me. We were still sleeping in the same bed (and would be, throughout the forthcoming year-and-a-half long debacle, until just before it was over). We were still laughing and cuddling and talking. I had no reason to suspect otherwise, or to doubt his lie. But those hairs on the back of my neck? They were smarter than I.

The next few weeks passed without incident, relationship-wise. I lost my job, he was very supportive and sweet about it. You can read about those fun times in my posts from November 2006. But then.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and he went for a run. This was entirely normal, we lived across the street from a major Memphis park and he ran there almost every day. I would later learn that a lot more than running was going down in Overton Park, but whatever. Anyway. That day, he was gone for a really long time. He didn't have his phone with him, and I was worried that he had gotten hurt on a trail inside the park and couldn't call for help.

Well, that's what I say I was thinking. And that's what I was consciously thinking. But those hairs on the back of my neck? They were thinking something else.

And something else is exactly what I found when I went to the park to look for him, and saw him kiss her goodbye.

I immediately knew who the woman was. When he had started his job three months before, he told me about the people he worked with, and one woman who told him a story about how she fooled around with a girl once. Come on. I told him that day, there's only one reason a straight woman tells a straight man a story like that. Whether it's true or not, the telling of that story has one purpose and one purpose alone. I told him to be careful with her. He said they were just friends, she was married. He had told her about my blog, she thought I was funny. Her friends read it too. I knew exactly who she was even though I'd never seen her before. And I was right.

He said he had ended it, that's why he was at the park. He said they had only kissed. He said it was over. He said he wouldn't see her again (except every day at work, where he was her boss, of course). Every bit of it? A lie.

And that was only the beginning.

Shopping

What we have here is a fun list of fun presents that all cost less than $25.

Just thought I'd share that. Don't be surprised if you receive one of said gifts from me, because many of them are totally cute.

Let it also be said that I am seriously broke, so perhaps you SHOULD be surprised if you receive one of said gifts... do not be shocked, however, if you do receive a gift from me, if it has the Aspen/Snowmass logo, because I get a honkin' discount. ;)

It sucks being poor at Christmas, so I'm looking for extra money. If anybody needs a will drafted, or a research paper edited, or food taste-tested, or television show summarized, or if there's a nap relay I can enter, these things I can do. :)