HOLY CRAP

In 159 days (approximately) I will be someone's MOTHER.  This is BLOWING MY MIND.

That is all.

Sex

Not that kind of sex, you perverts.  Gender sex.  I'm told "sex" is the properly used word in this case, as gender does not always match one's biological parts, and right now this fetus does not have a gender identity. Anyway.

It's 3 weeks til I find out the flavor of this alien in my belleh.  I think it's a boy.  I dreamed it was a boy, and I've had this feeling it's a boy.

But I'm not gonna lie.  I want it to be a girl.

I've decided this is because there weren't boys in my house.  Just my sister and I, we didn't have brothers, boys were foreign. Especially considering for some period it was just my mom, my sister, and me-- no boys allowed. Add to that my parents' nine grandchildren (my step-brothers have four kids each) and only one of the nine is male-- does that mean they're due for grandson, or does it mean we make girls in this family?  Whatever it means, it never crossed my mind that I might one day be mother to a boy.

My friends tell me boys are easier.  I have one friend with two of each, ranging in age from 18 to 5. She swears boys are, by far, easier- less drama, less mystery.

I say, boys get dirty and break things and bring frogs in the house.

One of my friends swears that little boys love their mothers, and are sweet and loving.

I say, boys are loud and boisterous and like to blow things up and then become teenagers and leave you to go hang out at some girl's house.

Of course, I will get what I get, and it's not like I'll cry (I don't think).  I will be happy with whatever baby I am lucky enough to have, especially if s/he is healthy and happy.  

But I never imagined a baby boy in all those imaginary pink dresses.

Knocked Up

So here's how it happened.

Actually, I'm gonna assume you all know HOW it happened, so I'll skip that part and get to the other stuff.

We had been trying since the wedding, and every month I was convinced I would get a positive pregnancy test, and every month I did not. I was taking my temperature, peeing on sticks for ovulation predictor kits as well as for my fertility monitor, and becoming best friends with my cervix.  Still with no positive pregnancy test. 

I am a control freak, and I am 38, so even though it hadn't been THAT long, I got impatient and called the fertility doctor in September.  I took the earliest available appointment, and it was set for the 29th of November. 

In November, I was not remotely optimistic.  For whatever reasons, I just didn't think it was the month. Every other month I'd thought was the month, but not this time.  In my head I was already thinking that if it happened in December, I'd be due on Labor Day and wouldn't that be cute.  I'm still not quite sure why I even bothered to take the pregnancy test that day (November 27th, two days before the fertility doctor appointment), but I did, and low and behold the damn thing was positive.  I took a couple, including the digital one that is impossible to misread.  And there you have it.  

It took a while for me to believe it, and to some degree I still don't.  For weeks I kept waiting for it to "go away."  I didn't tell anyone but Fella for a long while-- and then I only told my friend/boss in explanation for how I always seemed to want a nap.  I made it through Christmas with Fella's parents and another visit from them two weeks later without revealing the truth, and we finally told both sets of parents a couple weeks ago when mine came to visit.  

I don't still think something will happen, that it will go away.  But it's still not real either.

Even though I've seen this. This alien creature that apparently is IN MY BELLEH.

As for me: I've been feeling nauseated, but not vomiting. Yet (knock on wood). Considering my co-worker likes to remind me she didn't start puking til her second trimester...  Also, exhausted, which is waning now.  Now, I've got the HUNGRY.  I'm always HUNGRY.  And when I am HUNGRY there is nothing I can think about besides the fact that I am HUNGRY.  And sometimes the HUNGRY gets mixed in and confused with nausea, and I can't really tell which is which. I've been pretty lucky, though, considering, and I'm grateful for that.

I've got another 5 weeks til the big gender reveal, and in the meantime need to be figuring out all kinds of things.  I have not purchased a single baby type item, though I have bought quite a few Knocked Up Sadie items.  Got a lot of things to buy, a lot of things to think about, and a lot of things to wrap my disbelieving head around.

And keep reminding myself that I can do this thing. This big giant motherhood thing that scares that crap out of me.  Perhaps that's for another post...

In the meantime, have a sleepy dog.