So, I haven't written that much about wedding planning, because this isn't a wedding planning blog and you guys don't care about how crazy this whole thing is. But seriously. Wedding stuff has moved into my head and taken over occupancy and it won't go away.
I had a couple of anxiety attacks of the kind I haven't experienced since right before the Bar Exam. These have pretty much gone away since all the deposits have been sent and all the various wedding elves have been booked. Though I had a miniature breakdown the other day because I realized I hadn't figured out what Fella and his Best Man's ties would look like.
At night, I have the hardest time falling asleep. There's really not anything to worry about, not really. Everyone whose services I need has been reserved. Locations are secure. Major decisions made (except the honeymoon, which is entirely Fella's decision and still hasn't been made). But there are still things! Things that could happen! Things that need to use up my mental energy and occupy my mind! Things that require worrying! And they spin from one topic to the next...
What if I do fall down walking down the aisle? I really like the symbolism (in my own mind if no one else's) of not being "given away," of doing this act as a grown up independent woman making my own choices. But those heels are high. And what if I trip over my dress? That would be highly mortifying. Especially with all those people on Fella's side I have never met before. That will make an awesome impression. It's not my favorite thing, meeting new people. I know I have to be a good hostess and I do want to get to know Fella's extended family and the people that are important to him. But there are so many of them! And I want to have the chance to be with my closest friends and family, too, to celebrate. Oh, and who am I going to seat at a table with Mr & Mrs Loudandrude? I feel sorry for whomever I choose, but somebody has to do it. What if people don't like their tablemates? What if everybody wants to switch tables and it messes up the caterers and they take people the wrong food? What if people don't like the food? What if they think a seated dinner is boring and lame? What if they think I'm no fun at all, and they don't hang around for the dancing? What if nobody dances? What if EVERYBODY dances, and the dance floor is too crowded? What if instead of my feeling surrounded by love and joy with the important people in my life, the guests don't seem happy or joyous or loving? What if people go home early and nobody has fun? What if the people that I don't get to invite are mad at me because the didn't get invited, and the people I do invite are mad because the party was lame? What if when I trip down the aisle I break my leg and the whole thing gets all messed up and I don't even end up married because we have to we have to leave the church and go to the hospital?
So, you see what I mean. I'm crazy.