Decade

I've written a little about my lack of interest in dating lately, but I realized today that I have not been single in over ten years. I understand that is not a long time necessarily, but for me it just feels... like eternity. When I was last single, I was 24 years old. Just graduated college, starting law school. Not really an adult (am I now?). It's no wonder I don't know who the hell I am. It's interesting for me, given my recent realization that for the first time EVER (seriously, ever) I'm not looking for a boyfriend. It's not that I made a conscious decision to not date anyone, I just came to the realization that I don't want to. This is seriously a major milestone for me, and that may sound silly.

I'm not that girl that always had a boyfriend, at all. But I was that girl that always WANTED a boyfriend. I can't remember a time that I wasn't daydreaming about a guy. A specific guy, a famous guy, an imaginary guy that I just knew I would meet soon, there had to be a guy. Lately, I can't even imagine having a boyfriend. I'm not thinking about anyone. I'm not imagining meeting someone. I'm not daydreaming about finding someone.

It's WEIRD. And it's GREAT. I feel more powerful than ever, because for once I have the power-- I'm not handing it over to any man that comes along. I also feel more attractive than ever, because instead of thinking about getting a guy to notice me, I'm realizing that they do. It is so liberating to not worry about whether I'm going to get a date. Who cares? Not me. Not anymore.

I know I'll change my mind on this. One day I'll meet somebody that will make me reconsider my "no relationship" position. Or I'll realize one day that I am in fact ready, just as I have now realized I'm not. And that will be a good day too. But for now, only needing myself, my friends, and my family, I feel so much stronger and healthier and happier than I ever have.

Divorce can be a good thing when it allows you to realize that you're not defined by someone else. Especially when the someone else is a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole.

Did I say that out loud? ;)

Birthday

So, today's my birthday. And just for fun, I was re-reading the first birthday post I ever did, back in 2006, 100 Things About Me. I've edited it along the way since then, removing references to my ex-husband. Now I kinda wish I didn't. It was who I was on that day, and now that picture of me at that time is gone. Many of the other things are different now, as well, as time does march on. So maybe I should do a new list to update some things. I'll stop at ten, cause I don't have time to get to 100 before my birthday is over. Maybe I'll work on adding to this list over the next few days.

1. I no longer own cars named Bruiser and Harriet. Now I am the proud owner of Charlie, a Honda CR-V.
2. I still like the way Merlin smells. Dobby smells different. Not bad, certainly, just doesn't have that same scent.
3. I've discovered that I don't mind being barefoot anymore. I think it has to do with the difference in hardwoods and carpet.
4. I'm still non-confrontational, but I'm definitely getting better at standing up for myself, and I'm FAR better at walking away and not giving a damn.
5. Haven't been much into Hot Tamales in a while. I have discovered actual tamales made by a Mexican lady at my work are HEAVEN.
6. I have a new-found love of tacos. Like at home, Ole El Paso tacos. I've always LIKED them, but recently have come to know true love.
7. I really did like Memphis. Still do. I miss it. But I truly don't feel an urge to move back.
8. I am madly in love with Colorado.
9. I still would like to learn about photography. I have checked out a few books from the library and am reading websites to learn how to use the camera I already have (aside from just "auto") and someday I hope to have a nice DSLR.
10. I don't have to watch TV before bed anymore. I had no cable in the bedroom for a while, and I was reading NEWSWEEK every night before bed, and that worked. But I do have to read or listen to something that will distract me from my own brain.

Accountability

Well. In the past week since I made my vow of daily exercise and daily decluttering I have not done so well.

I exercised: Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sun, Tues. 5 out of 8. Not awful, but not great.

Decluttering? Did it ONCE. Sigh.

I did have two dates with a really nice guy, though that is unrelated entirely. ;)

Zen

This is totally my new favorite website. I have spent the past few weeks poring over page after page.

It's been helping me with simplifying, decluttering my apartment, thinking more positively, and exercise.

Now I can actually walk into my walk-in closet, and I can see and reach all my clothes. With the help of my roommate, my living room finally looks like a living room and not a storage room. I'm trying to adopt a minimalist attitude about things, which coordinates nicely with my minimal funds. I love the lack of clutter that I'm starting to see in my apartment, it makes a huge difference.

And today I start a 30 day challenge for myself to exercise every day. Just a little, even to just walk Max around the block, I'm going to do SOMETHING every single day.

I'm also spending a few minutes (like ten) every day organizing a small section of my apartment, which keeps me from being overwhelmed by a large project.

This is where to start with the website if you're interested.