Boring

I feel like I should have so much to write about! I'm married! We're newlyweds! The wedding was perfect! Yay!

And yet, I don't.  Because the wedding was perfect, I don't have great stories to tell about how everything went wrong. I have ONE oddity to report:

A woman walked in to the "Bride's Room" where I was kickin' it with my Mom, sister, niece, and P. Pre-wedding photos had been taken, and we were just waiting for the time to pass.  So, anyhoo, in walks this woman, the only non-wedding party person to enter the room since I had dressed.  She looked at me, all smiles, and said, "We haven't met." and I was thinking "no, we haven't" and she followed that up with, "Do you know who I am?" And all I could say was "No."  Anyway, it was my mother-in-law's sister, inappropriately coming to introduce herself to me. And then she left.

That's it. Nothing else was off.  I was calm, although at almost the very last second I decided to have my mom walk me down the aisle rather than go unescorted because I was worried about walking by myself in those ridiculously high heels with everyone looking at me.  I was thrilled with my hair and makeup, and was happier than ever with my dress. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "I look like me, but I look like me AWESOME."  See?

The ceremony was beautiful, moving, and really quite lovely, and I was mostly aware and present.  At the reception I initially felt somewhat awkward, as hostess, wanting to make sure everyone was taken care of and enjoying their dinner and having a good time. The food was EXCELLENT, I was so happy about it, and I eventually relaxed.  While my parents and their contemporaries tore up the dance floor, we hovered at tables of our friends and chatted,which was the opposite of what I expected to happen, but I didn't care. It wasn't a crazy wild dance party, but we are not crazy wild dance party people, really. At the end, guests were leaving a bit earlier than expected and we had to decide when to make our grand sparkler-lit exit.  It was a great celebration, and we were surrounded by people that love us, and throughout the pictures I have a big ridiculous grin on my face.  Like this one:

Married.

Three

So.

Three days to go.

Things have pretty much fallen into place, though I feel like I've been going eleventy million different directions, especially the past week.  I've been trying to work as much as possible, and stay focused on my cases, but it's just hard.

Today we delivered the alcohol to the caterer- our last major task.  I have a few errands left, but nothing much.  I've picked up my dress, confirmed with every vendor, met with the DJ, made all the place cards, pre-rehearsed with the priest and the church lady, etc. I've written thank you notes for all the gifts we received before today.

We had people who had previously said they were coming call to say they weren't, people who had never RSVPed finally say they WERE coming, the first people who changed their mind about coming decided that they could, in fact, come, another couple called to cancel... and if I had to rearrange those tables and the seating chart one more time I thought I'd scream.  A couple times I've gotten overwhelmed and was ready to kill someone (Fella, my clients, Fella...) but it passed quickly and for the most part I've been pretty calm.  I had a dream that the wedding flowers were ugly and I was very very sad.  I keep reminding myself that flowers are not crucial.

They sure are nice, though. ;)

It at once feels far away and unbelievably imminent. I at once feel exhausted and wired.  P will be here tomorrow. My family is here.  My checklist has been mostly checked, there is not much else I can do to prepare.

I am ready.

SERIOUSLY

Y'all. 

So in my last post I told you about the whole foreclosure situation. Well... it didn't turn out to be "unlikely to affect our date" as I hoped. It completely and TOTALLY affected our date when the insurance company pulled coverage for the venue and it was forced to close. It was even on the news. The owner had been long gone, but the people that managed it were trying to hold it together for the events that had been booked.  But no. 

So I had a very wee anxiety moment (really, held it together pretty well), made some phone calls, my caterer made some phone calls, my day-of coordinator (who is working much harder than just the day of) made some phone calls.  And we got ourselves a spot.  A really good one, actually.  It's a place I hadn't considered because they require you to use their caterer and it's expensive. However, due to the circumstances, they are allowing brides that originally booked the doomed venue to use the space with their own caterers.  Which is really nice.  So that's that.

Fortunately we had only made the deposit payment, and Fella's credit card company is probably going to refund that.  And we were able to pretty easily find a place we liked.  So for us, no major loss.  For that poor bride with only 13 days to find something else, it's crappy.

This wedding is making me tired. 

Really.

And the hits just keep on coming.

In December, the lady that is baking our wedding cakes (the aunt of a friend) lost her sister (my friend's mother) to a stroke and has been a bit out of pocket since that time. Completely understandable of course, and no biggie, I know she'll be there when it counts.  But I still don't know how much my cake is going to cost, she hasn't given me a quote yet.


In January, my florist's 47 year old husband unexpectedly died. I am assured that she is pouring herself into her work to help herself heal and I should not be concerned about my flowers.  But I haven't really gotten confirmation on that yet.


This weekend I learned my reception venue is in foreclosure, but the bank is allowing events to go forward until the process is complete, PLEASE TAKE MORE THAN 74 DAYS THANK YOU.  Someone is apparently trying to buy it and if he is successful intends to continue business as usual.  It is unlikely this will affect our date.  But REALLY?  Come on, man.

I feel like I should contact my photographer, caterer, DJ and priest and make sure everyone's family members and finances are in good health.

Bridal

So, I haven't written that much about wedding planning, because this isn't a wedding planning blog and you guys don't care about how crazy this whole thing is. But seriously.  Wedding stuff has moved into my head and taken over occupancy and it won't go away. 

I had a couple of anxiety attacks of the kind I haven't experienced since right before the Bar Exam.  These have pretty much gone away since all the deposits have been sent and all the various wedding elves have been booked.  Though I had a miniature breakdown the other day because I realized I hadn't figured out what Fella and his Best Man's ties would look like.


At night, I have the hardest time falling asleep.  There's really not anything to worry about, not really. Everyone whose services I need has been reserved.  Locations are secure. Major decisions made (except the honeymoon, which is entirely Fella's decision and still hasn't been made).  But there are still things! Things that could happen! Things that need to use up my mental energy and occupy my mind! Things that require worrying! And they spin from one topic to the next...

What if I do fall down walking down the aisle?  I really like the symbolism (in my own mind if no one else's) of not being "given away," of doing this act as a grown up independent woman making my own choices.  But those heels are high.  And what if I trip over my dress?  That would be highly mortifying.  Especially with all those people on Fella's side I have never met before.  That will make an awesome impression.  It's not my favorite thing, meeting new people.  I know I have to be a good hostess and I do want to get to know Fella's extended family and the people that are important to him.  But there are so many of them! And I want to have the chance to be with my closest friends and family, too, to celebrate.  Oh, and who am I going to seat at a table with Mr & Mrs Loudandrude?  I feel sorry for whomever I choose, but somebody has to do it.  What if people don't like their tablemates?  What if everybody wants to switch tables and it messes up the caterers and they take people the wrong food?  What if people don't like the food?  What if they think a seated dinner is boring and lame?  What if they think I'm no fun at all, and they don't hang around for the dancing?  What if nobody dances?  What if EVERYBODY dances, and the dance floor is too crowded?  What if instead of my feeling surrounded by love and joy with the important people in my life, the guests don't seem happy or joyous or loving?  What if people go home early and nobody has fun?  What if the people that I don't get to invite are mad at me because the didn't get invited, and the people I do invite are mad because the party was lame? What if when I trip down the aisle I break my leg and the whole thing gets all messed up and I don't even end up married because we have to we have to leave the church and go to the hospital?

So, you see what I mean.  I'm crazy.  

Real

The wedding invitations are here. 

They arrived on our doorstep Thursday, discovered when we returned home from a tasting at the caterer.  I dug into the box and we both giggled while we read it.  "It's real," he said. 

I ran my finger across the raised lettering on the thank you cards, that read "Mr. and Mrs. Fella Fellaslastname" and he said there were times he thought he'd never see that.

For some reason, the arrival of the invitations has calmed me. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that the last vendor was booked the same day, but still... I have one propped up in my office and it reminds me that all that really matters at the end of this is that we're married.  Even if I trip over my too-high heels, or the flowers are the wrong color, or the table linens aren't the perfect shade of champagne.

Hard to believe that life can be this good. 

Eight

My niece turned 8 years old Monday. The Christmas right before she was born, I went up to Michigan, where my sister and her husband lived, to await her arrival, due on December 28.  She did not choose to join us until after I returned home of course.  It feels like last week, and it feels like a century ago.

I was engaged then, too. I was ass-over-teakettle for Mr. Never-Really-Was-Incredible. Completely oblivious to...everything.  This time, things are so different it's hard to even compare the two situations.  This time, my ass is firmly below my teakettle.  I'm not swept away, it's not about rainbows and unicorns.  That girl thought she'd found The One. I don't even believe in The One anymore. I don't believe in soul mates, not the way I did.  I don't believe in perfect relationships.  I believe in making it work with one person that you love and respect, that loves and respects you in return (thank you, Songbird).


I still struggle, I won't lie.  I have never had a healthy romantic relationship, so it is difficult for me to recognize it. My therapist compares it to the way a child will go out into the world, knowing that whatever happens, Mom will be there when you get home, Mom will help, Mom will always love you.  That's what love is like. Safe, reliable, secure, and CALM.  That was a watershed moment for me, because love has always been fireworks, and crazy passion, drama, tears, game-playing. Apparently I've mistaken the anxiety that results from all that for Great Love.  And the closer the wedding gets, the more I think about the wrong decisions I've made and how to make the right ones.  Am I crazy for trying again? Is HE crazy for wanting to marry me- as messed up as I am?  Should we scrap all this marriage baloney and just live together? Is the anxiety I'm experiencing now just wedding planning crazies? Or my neuroses rearing their ugly heads? Or something bigger?  And all I can figure out is that this is what I want, that he is not my ex, and that I am perfectly capable of doing this.  Even though it freaks me right out. And every once in a while I have to take a deep breath, and remind myself that I am not irretrievably broken.

So, current status: We are 115 days from The Day, wedding planning in full turbo mode.  Most decisions have been made and most vendors booked.  It's gotten a bit larger and more involved that we originally intended, but I think that's the nature of the beast.  My goal is to be surrounded by love and joy and peace. Given that such things are not plannable, I'm focusing on music and food and flowers.

Slacker

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote something. Since my last post on October 26, Fella and I moved in together to our new house, I hosted Thanksgiving for his parents and grandmother (and y'all, I cooked. A turkey and everything), and have mostly unpacked and settled in.  Things are going remarkably smoothly with the whole living together thing.  If I can just get him to do things EXACTLY THE WAY I DO THEM, we'll be all good. :)

We've been doing the premarital counseling thing, which is mandatory in our church (and also saves us $60 on the marriage license) and wedding plans are, for the most part, falling right into place.  The reception location has been reserved, the photographer too.  Caterer and florist are pretty much selected, but not quite booked.  Dress purchased. Invitations chosen (I think). Everything went pretty well, except for the one major argument about whether we REALLY needed thank you cards with our names on them (of course we do) and then that one time where the guest list doubled in the course of one phone call from one aunt.  But other than that...

We're going to my sister's house for Christmas, and I'm excited for our first Christmas together.  Then to ASPEN FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE I AM SO VERY EXCITED. 

Other than that, no new developments really. No major revelations about life or love this time. :)

Name

When I got divorced 3 years ago, and changed my last name back to my maiden name, I swore I would never change my last name again.  Never.

I hate that when I see someone I haven't seen in a while, and they say, "your last name was different then, wasn't it?" There are multiple possibilities for what my last name might have been.  There's my last name at birth. My last name when my step-father adopted me in second grade (my current last name), and two married last names have come and gone, with my maiden name making an appearance in the middle.

And despite my confidence in this decision, in Fella, in our ability to make it work, I'm unsure. I mean, of course I'm confident. He's my lobster!  Confident, yes. But I'm still wary.

My hesitancy is partially due to the fear that one day I'll have to change it back. Again. Those fears that rear their ugly heads, the remnants of my past, the foundations of my wall.

There's also the whole professional angle, Judges and other attorneys are starting to know me by name and I'm going to go and mess that up?  Also, if I keep this name professionally, clients and opposing parties will not be able to find me as easily in the world (by searching property records, etc. YES they do that).

I have to figure this out before I order our Thank You cards....