Thursday, January 26, 2012


So, I haven't written that much about wedding planning, because this isn't a wedding planning blog and you guys don't care about how crazy this whole thing is. But seriously.  Wedding stuff has moved into my head and taken over occupancy and it won't go away. 

I had a couple of anxiety attacks of the kind I haven't experienced since right before the Bar Exam.  These have pretty much gone away since all the deposits have been sent and all the various wedding elves have been booked.  Though I had a miniature breakdown the other day because I realized I hadn't figured out what Fella and his Best Man's ties would look like.

At night, I have the hardest time falling asleep.  There's really not anything to worry about, not really. Everyone whose services I need has been reserved.  Locations are secure. Major decisions made (except the honeymoon, which is entirely Fella's decision and still hasn't been made).  But there are still things! Things that could happen! Things that need to use up my mental energy and occupy my mind! Things that require worrying! And they spin from one topic to the next...

What if I do fall down walking down the aisle?  I really like the symbolism (in my own mind if no one else's) of not being "given away," of doing this act as a grown up independent woman making my own choices.  But those heels are high.  And what if I trip over my dress?  That would be highly mortifying.  Especially with all those people on Fella's side I have never met before.  That will make an awesome impression.  It's not my favorite thing, meeting new people.  I know I have to be a good hostess and I do want to get to know Fella's extended family and the people that are important to him.  But there are so many of them! And I want to have the chance to be with my closest friends and family, too, to celebrate.  Oh, and who am I going to seat at a table with Mr & Mrs Loudandrude?  I feel sorry for whomever I choose, but somebody has to do it.  What if people don't like their tablemates?  What if everybody wants to switch tables and it messes up the caterers and they take people the wrong food?  What if people don't like the food?  What if they think a seated dinner is boring and lame?  What if they think I'm no fun at all, and they don't hang around for the dancing?  What if nobody dances?  What if EVERYBODY dances, and the dance floor is too crowded?  What if instead of my feeling surrounded by love and joy with the important people in my life, the guests don't seem happy or joyous or loving?  What if people go home early and nobody has fun?  What if the people that I don't get to invite are mad at me because the didn't get invited, and the people I do invite are mad because the party was lame? What if when I trip down the aisle I break my leg and the whole thing gets all messed up and I don't even end up married because we have to we have to leave the church and go to the hospital?

So, you see what I mean.  I'm crazy.  

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


The wedding invitations are here. 

They arrived on our doorstep Thursday, discovered when we returned home from a tasting at the caterer.  I dug into the box and we both giggled while we read it.  "It's real," he said. 

I ran my finger across the raised lettering on the thank you cards, that read "Mr. and Mrs. Fella Fellaslastname" and he said there were times he thought he'd never see that.

For some reason, the arrival of the invitations has calmed me. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that the last vendor was booked the same day, but still... I have one propped up in my office and it reminds me that all that really matters at the end of this is that we're married.  Even if I trip over my too-high heels, or the flowers are the wrong color, or the table linens aren't the perfect shade of champagne.

Hard to believe that life can be this good. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


My niece turned 8 years old Monday. The Christmas right before she was born, I went up to Michigan, where my sister and her husband lived, to await her arrival, due on December 28.  She did not choose to join us until after I returned home of course.  It feels like last week, and it feels like a century ago.

I was engaged then, too. I was ass-over-teakettle for Mr. Never-Really-Was-Incredible. Completely oblivious to...everything.  This time, things are so different it's hard to even compare the two situations.  This time, my ass is firmly below my teakettle.  I'm not swept away, it's not about rainbows and unicorns.  That girl thought she'd found The One. I don't even believe in The One anymore. I don't believe in soul mates, not the way I did.  I don't believe in perfect relationships.  I believe in making it work with one person that you love and respect, that loves and respects you in return (thank you, Songbird).

I still struggle, I won't lie.  I have never had a healthy romantic relationship, so it is difficult for me to recognize it. My therapist compares it to the way a child will go out into the world, knowing that whatever happens, Mom will be there when you get home, Mom will help, Mom will always love you.  That's what love is like. Safe, reliable, secure, and CALM.  That was a watershed moment for me, because love has always been fireworks, and crazy passion, drama, tears, game-playing. Apparently I've mistaken the anxiety that results from all that for Great Love.  And the closer the wedding gets, the more I think about the wrong decisions I've made and how to make the right ones.  Am I crazy for trying again? Is HE crazy for wanting to marry me- as messed up as I am?  Should we scrap all this marriage baloney and just live together? Is the anxiety I'm experiencing now just wedding planning crazies? Or my neuroses rearing their ugly heads? Or something bigger?  And all I can figure out is that this is what I want, that he is not my ex, and that I am perfectly capable of doing this.  Even though it freaks me right out. And every once in a while I have to take a deep breath, and remind myself that I am not irretrievably broken.

So, current status: We are 115 days from The Day, wedding planning in full turbo mode.  Most decisions have been made and most vendors booked.  It's gotten a bit larger and more involved that we originally intended, but I think that's the nature of the beast.  My goal is to be surrounded by love and joy and peace. Given that such things are not plannable, I'm focusing on music and food and flowers.